Marcia Sirota

Ruthless Compassion and Relationships

Marcia Sirota, MD — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 12:00:21 +0000

We live in a society that favors extremes. In terms of how we relate to one-another, we’re either being too nice or too nasty. People are trying too hard to please or being extremely self-centered and insensitive toward others.

Interestingly, these ways of being are just two sides of the same coin: they both arise out of the child part of the psyche that feels deprived of love & nurturing. People with an eager-to-please child within are hoping that others will give them the love they never got when they were little; those with a selfish child within are reacting in hurt and anger against the neglect (and possibly abuse) they experienced.

Both groups haven’t received the love and care in childhood that they needed, but they’ve split off into two factions: one that uses niceness as a compensatory mechanism and one that uses selfishness. Sadly, both these extremes fail to give the person what they want in life.

The pleaser often gets taken advantage of. Their eagerness to help is met with disrespect, even contempt. The selfish person might get more of what they think they want in that they might be successful at manipulating others to do their bidding, but none of it compensates for what’s missing inside them and they’re left feeling as angry and empty as ever.

The answer to this problem of extremes is to find a happy medium in our interactions with others- to be neither too nice nor too mean. The best way I know how to do this is through the use of ruthless compassion.

Ruthless compassion is a way of living that brings together empowerment and loving-kindness. Whereas the nice person is operating from a place of low self-worth and is a pushover, and the selfish person is operating from a place of hostility and frustration, the person who practices ruthless compassion is confident without being arrogant.

Ruthless compassion enables us to be loving and giving without being taken advantage of. We can be kind and generous but have good boundaries and set good limits with others.

When we practice ruthless compassion in our relationships, we’re being our best adult self; knowing that no-one out there is capable of or responsible for healing our emotional wounds or filling the emotional void within us.

Ruthless compassion is a stance in which we take responsibility for our own hurts and needs and don’t expect others to take care of us. We’re autonomous and self-sufficient, so our relationships are entered into from free choice rather than desperate need. We see other people not as sources of emotional healing or nurturing but as interesting individuals whom we want to get to know better and share our hearts with.

The nice person is overly interested in what other people feel and what they need and the selfish person is completely disinterested in this. When we practice ruthless compassion, we find the happy medium between self-interest and sensitivity toward others. We can take care of ourselves without being hurtful to others and we can be caring toward others without abandoning ourselves.

With ruthless compassion we can be both kind and strong – not tolerating disrespect nor trying too hard to be loved. With ruthless compassion we aren’t constantly seeking approval or taking the emotional temperature of those around us in an attempt to ascertain whether we’re in their good graces at any given moment.

With ruthless compassion, we can open our hearts to others and have genuine, meaningful connections, something which the self-centered person is incapable of benefiting from. The self-centered person may be able to exploit others but they can never feel the joy of genuine and reciprocal caring.

Ruthless compassion is a way to be deeply connected to other people while remaining independent. It enables us to be loving yet autonomous, gentle but powerful. It empowers us to pursue our goals independently of the judgments of others and to live as our best selves.

The practice of ruthless compassion will provide us with far greater freedom and happiness in our relationships than either of the two above-mentioned extremes.

Finally, Real Freedom from Overeating

Marcia Sirota, MD — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 03:49:33 +0000

The problem with all the diet plans available today is that they simply don’t work. Yes, some of them will enable you to lose weight temporarily, but if you’ve ever gone on a diet you know that sooner or later – and usually sooner- you’ll gain all the weight back, plus a few extra pounds.
In my work with overeaters, I’ve become well aware of the post-diet weight gain and of another phenomenon that plagues overeaters: the transference of addictions.
This happens when one of my patients opts for a surgical solution to weight loss. It’s never been something that I’ve recommended, because I’m concerned about the long-term health implications of lap band and gastric bypass surgery. Some of my patients have had these procedures anyway, and what I’ve noticed is that every one of them has taken up a new addiction or has relapsed back to a previous addiction that they’d given up.
It’s clear that dieting actually leads to weight gain (recent research corroborates my clinical findings) and surgical weight loss procedures often lead to engaging in alternate addictions (recent studies have demonstrated such a link). Obviously, both diets and surgery are treating the symptoms of a problem and not the cause.
When people can no longer overeat – due to being on a diet or having had surgery- they return to the symptom (overeating) or turn to another, similar symptom; that is, another addiction.
In my new book, Emotional Overeating: Know the Triggers, Heal Your Mind and Never Diet Again, I explain the real cause of compulsive eating and other addictions, and lay out a simple and straightforward “four-pronged approach” to overcoming overeating (and other addictions) which deals directly with the cause.
This approach will enable you to let go of the urge to overeat, once and for all. You can finally stop see-sawing between binge eating and dieting, you’ll no longer be burdened by a preoccupation with food, eating and weight, and you’ll be free of the shame, remorse and misery you experience every time you binge.
Diets and surgery have weight loss as their goal. The goal of my plan is freedom from overeating and overweight. You’ll be able to normalize your relationship with food and eating, learn to accept your body as it is, and improve your self-esteem in the process.
Emotional Overeating is published by Praeger Press and is available now on Amazon.com

Dating According to the “Goldilocks Principle”

Marcia Sirota, MD — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 02:36:22 +0000

I’ve been talking to some of my patients lately about their adventures in on-line dating, and they’ve been complaining about two different but related phenomena: men who come across as insufficiently interested right at the beginning and men who seem far too interested from the get go.
One of my patients, Shelly, told me a familiar-sounding story this week about how she’d gone through the requisite steps of on-line dating, with the initial contact, the few emails to establish that the other person seemed reasonably sane and then the phone call.
The man had said that he’d be busy during the upcoming weekend but that he’d call her at the end of the weekend to make a plan. She didn’t hear from him until Tuesday morning, and even then, there was no apology or explanation for the delay. During our session, she asked me, half-jokingly, “When did Tuesday morning become the end of the weekend?”
In our discussion, we came to the conclusion that this man had demonstrated a clear lack of interest, not to mention a lack of politeness, toward her and that it didn’t bode well for the future. She chose not to respond to his text.
Earlier today, I heard the opposite kind of story. My patient Sonia was telling me how she’d received, after the initial contact, an exceedingly long email from a man who was interested in meeting her. She’d felt that there was something odd about him having “almost written a dissertation,” in her words.
When we discussed it, I suggested that such an excessive degree of enthusiasm seemed inappropriate for a person he’d never even met or had spoken with, and that it smacked of projection. By that I mean, the gentleman must have been busy imagining something about Sonia that had nothing to do with who she really is.
I also suggested that it was extremely rude of him to expect a total strange to spend her time and energy reading such a long note. He was imposing on her before he’d even met her. None of these things are likely to add up to the possibility of a successful match.
In Shelly’s case, the man’s behavior was “too cold.” In Sonia’s, it was “too hot.” In both cases, what the women needed was someone whose behavior was “just right.”
In my mind, if you want to try on-line dating, “just right” behavior should include keeping emails brief and to the point. People should call when they say they’re going to and they should be courteous, interested, pleasant and not overly familiar. Too hot, or overly intense communications are off-putting and anxiety-provoking, while too-cold or overly-diffident responses are hurtful and rude.
Dating, then, according to the “Goldilocks Principle” is simple and straight-forward: keep it warm and polite, and then, at least, it’ll start out “just right.”

Addiction as the Demon Lover

Marcia Sirota, MD — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 03:13:42 +0000

I was talking to my patient, Natalie, the other day about her struggles with overcoming compulsive eating. She told me that after years of becoming increasingly heavy, she was afraid that she’d “never be able to stop eating.” We spoke about how powerfully she felt the pull of food, and that it was almost as though she was under a spell that she couldn’t resist.
After our session, I started thinking about the similarity between women who overeat and those who are in relationships with abusive men. In both cases, the women know, to some degree, that what they’re doing is hurting them, and in both cases, they hold on tightly to the hope that if they just keep at it, eventually they’ll get their needs met.
In my mind, every addiction has the same roots: the dysfunctional attempt at obtaining emotional healing and nurturing to compensate for hurts and losses from childhood. This is always accompanied by the addict’s “pathological hope” that if they persist in their behavior, eventually it’ll pay off and they’ll get what they were looking for.
The demon lover is a man who lures a woman in by promising her everything her heart desires, and then enslaves her in a terrible prison of frustration and misery from which she can never escape. It’s the same with addiction.
In Natalie’s case, she holds on to the hope that food will give her the soothing, nurturing and relief she seeks. She can’t stop obsessing about food and her weight, and she can’t stop her compulsive binge eating. Even when eating fails to meet her needs, she persists in her quest. That’s because food, for her, is the demon lover, promising to heal her emotional wounds and meet her unfulfilled needs, but leaving her, after each binge, feeling emptier than she did before she started.
She’s been at it for so long that she’s become demoralized. She’s full of shame and self-loathing for her lack of self-control and her self-esteem has plummeted. Worse yet, she’s come to believe that she doesn’t deserve to have more than the fleeting moments of pleasure that her overeating brings her. She’s convinced that real happiness and fulfillment aren’t available to her.
Women in abusive relationships also have a hard time maintaining their self-worth. Living with a man who rejects them and who holds them in contempt eventually erodes their confidence, as well as their hope for a better life. They become filled with shame and self-blame and as the years go by, they have lower and lower expectations of what their lover, and life itself, can offer them.
Whether a woman is addicted to love or to food, or to drink, drugs, gambling or shopping, for that matter, she’s under the spell of the demon lover. She compulsively pursues the promise of love and healing where these things don’t exist, and instead finds herself feeling more and more miserable as time goes by.
If you’re struggling with addiction, the cure is to break the spell that the demon lover has on you. You must see that it has seduced you with the false promises of happiness and healing, and that its aim, really, is to lock you away in a prison of obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior. When you realize that you’ll never, ever get what you’re looking for, and that the only thing addiction has to offer is a lifetime of suffering, you can let go of the hope that keeps you hooked, and begin to walk away from the demon lover once and for all.

The Value of Consequences

Marcia Sirota, MD — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 16:30:22 +0000

I had a conversation with a high school teacher the other day that disturbed me. She described a practice on the part of her school administration in which final-year students could go and get their marks raised by several percentage points if they were trying to get into a good university or a professional program. She added that all the teachers at that school were extremely demoralized, feeling that their work was irrelevant and that the administration had stripped them of all their authority as teachers.
The hard-working students who had earned good grades were upset because they were seeing fellow students who’d coasted through the term, or those who didn’t have a grasp of the concepts, receiving the same marks as they did. It made them feel like it wasn’t worth bothering to study if they could just go and lobby for a better mark at the end of the term.
It brought to mind my own journey through high school, university, medical school and residency, how hard I worked and what it meant to me to do well, legitimately.
I remember the feeling of deep satisfaction I got, every time I studied for an exam in high school, or worked on an assignment and completed it in time. These feelings contributed to my sense of confidence in my intellectual abilities and to my good work ethic. I would never have wanted to be deprived of the satisfaction of a job well done or the pride I felt in myself for my success.
I also remembered how, throughout my university and med school days, there were always a few individuals who cheated on their assignments (copying from old papers or getting other people to help them) or on the exams (obtaining advance copies of the exams). I always felt like they were cheating themselves, as they never got to feel that sense of genuine accomplishment and pride I felt as a result of my efforts.
I also pitied the people who worked with these individuals in the future, and those unlucky souls who’d be their future clients or patients. Everyone who the cheaters associated with in the future would have to deal with the fact that these people hadn’t learned what they were supposed to have learned, in order to be competent in their future career.
Apparently, the belief on the part of the administration at the school where marks are being raised is that this is being helpful to the students, but I see this as a completely wrong-headed notion.
Demoralized teachers will be less motivated to do their best work on behalf of their students and the hard-working classmates of those students who got their marks raised will be less inclined to study hard or put effort into their assignments. All of this will combine to create mediocre graduating classes whose inflated marks are in no way representative of their skills or knowledge and who are ill-prepared for the real world.
On a more general note, enabling students to coast through high school while still receiving good marks is teaching these young people a dangerous lesson: that they won’t ever have to experience consequences for their choices.
It might be fun for them to goof off during high school, cut classes, go to the mall and hang out with their friends, but eventually, they’ll discover the hard way that not having learned the basics of math, literacy and science, as well as good study habits, will cause them to be significantly impaired in their future lives.
The administration at this school is teaching its students that they’ll be rewarded for indolence, but for most of the students, real life will eventually encroach upon them, bringing the surprising (to them) difficulties and failures that a bad attitude and lousy work-ethic will foster.
It’s doing a disservice to students and teachers alike when a well-meaning but wrong-thinking administration is willing to raise marks for students who haven’t done the work. It would be much better for the students who were unhappy with their marks to have their consequences now, while in high school, rather than later. If their mark is low, they can get tutoring, re-submit the paper, re-write the exam or attend summer school. In this way, they get to actually learn the material they’re being marked on, and they learn an even more valuable lesson about how their actions have real-life repercussions.
If these students don’t learn about consequences now, they’re in for a harsh surprise down the road, when they flunk out of university or get fired for doing poorly at their job.
We need to re-think the pervasive policy of lenience toward and enabling of sub-par work that not only this high school adheres to but many grade schools, colleges and even universities hold as well. These institutions are turning out students who are ill-prepared for life and who embody an attitude of doing the least amount of work possible in every endeavor. This “helpful” idea is setting up students for a lifetime of failure.
Some of these young people may get away with a lazy attitude in their future education and their workplace, scraping by at university and just barely holding on to their jobs, but never really striving to learn or do their best will give them lives that are neither fulfilling nor meaningful. A lazy attitude creates an empty existence.
The value of immediate consequences to students for coasting through high school is not only learning that the final result will indeed, reflect the amount of work they’ve put in, but that there’s an inherent satisfaction in doing something to the best of one’s abilities, and a far greater chance of leading a happy life, when one strives always to do one’s best.

Letting Go of the Fear of Love

Marcia Sirota, MD — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 03:40:03 +0000

Many people today are, at best, ambivalent about intimate relationships. These individuals have been hurt in their childhood, by parents they counted on for love and support, or they were rejected in their adult lives by people they loved. As a result, they approach intimate relationships with trepidation, often inadvertently sabotaging their chances at love and by so doing, reinforcing to themselves that the arena of love is fraught with pitfalls.
Rejection is painful, to be sure, but the real problem is that too many people assume that if they were rejected once, they’ll be rejected again. This isn’t the case at all. Many people are convinced that the rejection was due to some fundamental defect in them; something bad or lacking in their make-up that makes them unacceptable or unlovable.
In reality, people are rejected for any number of reasons. If they weren’t sufficiently loved by their parents, it’s actually a reflection of the parents’ inability to love their child as opposed to an indication of the child’s lack of worth. If they were rejected as an adult, it could be that they simply weren’t compatible with the other person, or perhaps they exhibited some behavior that was off-putting. In the latter case, rejection is an opportunity to learn about how to act in ways that are more conducive to a successful relationship.
Sometimes people are rejected because of bad timing – the other person has just ended a relationship and isn’t ready to start something new, or they have things going on in their life in the moment that make it impossible for them to focus their attention on love.
Sometimes a person is rejected because of cowardice on the part of their partner: the partner happens to be afraid of intimacy and the inherent risks of disappointment and loss.
Whatever the reason for the rejection, it’s important not to generalize over one or two bad experiences. Every person is unique and has something special to offer. Everyone is lovable and can be seen this way by someone else.
If people avoid intimacy out of fear of rejection, they’ll never learn that love is possible; if they push others away out of the same fear, they’ll only reinforce their belief that relationships all end in pain.
Instead of focusing on the fear, it would be better to remember three important truths: 1- every adult is really and truly strong enough to survive disappointment or loss in love, so they needn’t be so afraid; 2- it’s always better to make the best effort at love than to run from it, as even a brief romance is life-enriching, and 3- every relationship, whether brief or lengthy is an opportunity for learning more about love and getting better at it, so rather than running from love, every chance for intimacy should be embraced.
Life is short; it can be unfair and fraught with suffering. We can choose to run from the things we fear or stride purposefully toward that which will make our lives richer and more meaningful. Many of us will get knocked down by the vicissitudes of life whether we run from love or embrace it fully. Without love, life is bleak and rather empty. Even though rejection is always a possibility, we might as well go for the thing that will give meaning and joy to our existence. We might as well really go for love.

Don’t Let Your Past Ruin Your Present Relationship

Marcia Sirota, MD — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 03:08:17 +0000

I’ve been talking to some of my patients lately about how to maintain a good relationship, once they’ve found the person they want to be with. We’ve discussed some attitudes and behaviors that they’ve carried with them from their early lives and how some of these aren’t necessarily conducive to success in intimacy.
For many of my patients, hurtful experiences in their early lives have created some counterproductive attitudes and behaviors, and their relationships have suffered as a result. The conclusion we came to is that most people don’t want to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting in a relationship. They’d like things to be relatively free of drama and angst. When my patients engage in these problematic behaviors, it creates stress for their partners and puts a strain on their relationships.
So, what are these troublesome behaviors and attitudes? The first one we identified is being overly suspicious. A partner wants to feel that they’re trusted. If you sense, deep down, that you can’t trust your partner, you need to look at whether this is a result of your own inability to trust or because of some troubling behavior on their part. You need to deal with your emotional baggage around trust and let go of your suspicious attitude. I not, this will poison the relationship.
Another problematic issue is being too high-maintenance. If you’re overly particular, your partner will soon tire of your constant litany of requirements and complaints. Everyone has their list of the things they can’t live with or can’t live without, but when the list goes on and on, your partner most likely will find your fussiness overwhelming and unattractive. It’s so much nicer to be with someone who’s easy-going.
Of course, nagging is an obvious deal-breaker. No-one wants to feel harangued. If your partner won’t go along with your requests, you’ll need to sort out why that is and see if the two of you can learn to cooperate. If not, you’ll need to get out of the relationship, because the more you nag, the more likely it is that they’ll resent you.
Another no-win behavior is being overly critical. Most people aren’t going to stick around for very long if they feel denigrated in their relationship. People want to feel good about themselves, and if they feel they can’t do anything right in your eyes, it’s almost a guaranteed deal-breaker.
It’s an especially bad move when you put your partner down in front of other people. Public humiliation is a huge no-no. If you want your relationship to last, this behavior has got to stop immediately.
People who are sweet-tempered tend to do better in their relationships than those who leak resentment or hostility. Your partner can always tell when you feel warmly toward them and when you’re disdainful or contemptuous. It may be that unconsciously, you’re reacting to your partner as though they were similar to some hurtful person(s) from your past. That might explain you behavior but it doesn’t excuse it or make it tolerable. If you can’t be nice to your partner, you’re going to find yourself on your own.
So, these are some things on the “not to do” list that everyone should be aware of if they want their love life to go smoothly. No matter what your experiences were, growing up, letting your issues from the past interfere with your relationship today is a sure-fire way to sabotage it. It’s in your best interest to deal with these issues and put your past behind you. In this way, you’ll be able to be your most loving, lovely self in your present-day relationship.

Don’t Fear the Haters

Marcia Sirota, MD — Mon, 18 Jun 2012 19:07:16 +0000

In my creativity and empowerment group for women the other day, we were having a very interesting discussion about the fear of criticism. It turns out that many of the participants were afraid to put their artwork out into the public space, because they didn’t feel they’d be able to tolerate the nasty criticism they might receive.
Of course, this fear isn’t limited to the people who attend my workshops. The wish to avoid criticism, especially for one’s creative output, is universal. I think that there’s a way around it, though. It’s a matter of understanding who these potential critics are.
There are always going to be people who just want to bash whatever we might say or do. If we take a minute to look at it, it’s clear that these are nasty, unhappy individuals who have nothing of value to offer us by way of feedback. We can recognize them for the cranks that they are and choose to discount what they’re saying to us or about us.
On the other hand, most people are well-meaning. If this type of individual gives us feedback, it will be done with kindness and tact, as their intention is to assist us, not put us on the defensive.
As I discussed with my group members, it’s easy to distinguish between useful and useless feedback. We can quickly recognize who are the haters, and simply ignore any feedback that sounds unnecessarily harsh, critical or humiliating.
In my own case, I never would have been able to publish my first book if I hadn’t made use of the very helpful comments from the writers, editors and agents who read early drafts of the work. Fortunately, all of these individuals were motivated by the desire to help me produce better work and therefore the feedback they gave was respectful.
If you’re worried about putting your art out into the world, understanding the difference between genuine constructive criticism and hateful attacks can allay your fears. You never have to be concerned about the haters out there. Their hostility reveals them for what they are: not those who are ably discerning of quality work but rather, cruel, petty people looking for who they can insult next.
As soon as you realize that these critics are hateful, simply close your ears to them, and choose instead, to pay attention to feedback that’s given with kindness.

Learning to Trust Others by Trusting Yourself

Marcia Sirota, MD — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 22:02:08 +0000

Too many of us have a hard time trusting other people when it comes to our intimate relationships. Maybe it’s because we weren’t treated well as children, or perhaps, we’ve been hurt in love.
The good news is that even if one or both of these is true for us, we can still learn how to trust potential romantic partners. It all comes down to building our own self-trust.
The thing is, we all have the ability to see things for how they really are in a relationship and respond to them appropriately. It’s just that we don’t always pay attention or listen to our intuition. Sometimes, we’re in denial about what’s right in front of our eyes because we don’t want to see it. Often, we project scenarios from our past onto our present, confusing the person we’re interested in with a hurtful parent or former lover. If we want to be able to trust others, we need first, to have confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves.
This means that we open our eyes and see the other person for who they really are, not superimposing past relationships onto them or denying current troublesome behavior on their part. We need to face the truth about the other person and how their actions affect us; we need to practice communicating our needs & feelings so that we become more confident in our ability to be assertive & to engage in constructive confrontation; we must listen to our inner wisdom & not talk ourselves out of what we know, just because we don’t want it to be so. We have to stop engaging in magical thinking, or the act of believing that something is the case because we want it to be so. Finally, we need to test the people we’re considering becoming intimate with. Not in a manipulative or sneaky way but by observing whether their behavior over time demonstrates that they’re reliable, responsible, reasonable, consistent & kind. We can test whether they are honest, considerate, understanding and decent, & whether their intentions toward us are sincere. All of these things are important for us to know, and we’re entitled to discover whether they apply to the person we’re interested in.
When we let go of magical thinking, trust our “gut sense,” face the truth about the people in our lives, take positive action toward improving our relationships, and observe how people respond to the relationship tests we set for them, we don’t have to feel anxious or insecure in our relationships. We can be confident that by trusting ourselves, it becomes possible to know whether or not we can trust the other person.

Feral Cat Crisis in Toronto

Marcia Sirota, MD — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 20:49:21 +0000

According to recent estimates, there are between 500,000 and a million feral cats in Toronto. This is the result of people failing to spay and neuter their pet cats and then abandoning the kittens on the streets.
Cats are resilient and resourceful, to a point, and these ferals live long enough to have several litters. One cat can have multiple kittens, and each of these can do the same, so you can see easily how the cat population has exploded.
Tragically, despite their excellent survival skills, these feral cats have terrible lives. They freeze in the winter, starve all year round, and die of injuries, disease and exposure. While the average lifespan of an indoor cat is 18-20 years, most ferals don’t make it past 6.
They were originally bred to be domestic animals, and are no different than our beloved house pets, other than the fact that they were unlucky enough to have been born in the wild.
When I moved into my current house, I quickly noticed a small colony of feral cats hanging around nearby. It’s been several years that I’ve been feeding the cats, but equally importantly, I’ve been trapping them each spring in safe traps, and bringing them to the vet to be spayed/neutered and vaccinated.
You can help the feral cat population in your community as well. Feed the cats who live near your home. It really doesn’t cost that much. Erect, as I did, shelters for them to spend the winters in, and by all means, make sure to spay and neuter as many of these cats as you can.
There are local cat rescue societies who can locate vets in your community who will care for these cats at a discount, and if live in Toronto, you can register your colony and obtain free medical care, including spaying and neutering for the cats.
I work with the Toronto Cat Rescue people, or TCR, and they’re a very good resource for ordinary people who want to help out. They also rescue some of the feral cats and place them for adoption. If you’re looking for a loving cat who’d be immensely grateful for a good home, try TCR or your local cat rescue society.
I own a lovely little Yorkshire Terrier, and never planned on getting a cat, but last summer, Sweetface walked into our home. Strangely enough, the two of them get along great, and she’s become a valued addition to our family. We’re all in the thrall of “cat love.” If Beny the Yorkie is enjoying living with a happily rescued feral cat, maybe you would too. Before going to the breeder or a pet store for your next kitty, try adopting a rescued feral cat. Sweetface is the most affectionate, interesting and amusing cat I’ve ever known.