The holidays can be a very stressful time for anybody. Visiting family, buying the perfect gift for everyone on your list, or maybe you have some traveling plans to escape the winter season? Either way, it can create some stress around this time of year.
It can also be a difficult time if you or someone close to you have recently lost a loved one.
In a time when the holidays are meant for spending moments with family and creating new memories, it can be hard for those who are grieving to be in a jolly mood. Old memories and times of reminiscing might evoke emotional distress, making the holidays dreadful for some.
Now that holiday parties are happening, it’s important for me to help my friends and partner when they need it the most. It’s inevitable that there will be some difficult comments and questions when catching up with relatives during holiday get-togethers. So, I’ve developed some strategies to help your grieving friend be less stressed at holiday outings together.
Create a signal.
Before a big event, or just for general use, you can come up with a subtle signal as a way for your friend or partner to let you know that they are feeling overwhelmed at any point in time. It can be as simple as squeezing your hand or putting on a hat to indicate that they need to escape from an overwhelming conversation. You can keep an eye on them from a distance, and sweep in when you notice it.
Be their spokesperson.
It’s normal for relatives or party-goers to apologize and give their sympathies. But maybe for the bereaved person, talking about it and even maybe acknowledging it can trigger distress. With permission, you can step in and speak on behalf of them, without making it seem like they are refusing to talk about it. If you’re both in agreement and you have the go-ahead, you can take the lead and say, “thank you for your condolences, it really means a lot to both of us,” followed by changing the subject to something lighthearted.
Step away.
If you can, take a moment away from the noise of the holidays just to recoup. Following the signal, you can accompany your friend or partner outside or to a quiet place. If they are nowhere to be found, understand that they just needed to step out on their own and will come back when they’re ready.
Listen to what they need.
I always feel like there’s so much pressure to say the perfect thing. You don’t want to say anything that will upset them, but you also want to show that you’re there to lend a hand in difficult times. Saying nothing at all can make it worse. What is most useful is to be there and just listen to what they need. You don’t have to have all the answers. You’re not there to tell them what to do or how to feel. This is something that they will have to go through on their own. It’s the best way for you to be there for them during the holidays.
Know that sometimes, they just need to be by themselves.
Don’t take it personally. There is no right or wrong way for people to grieve. If they need to be alone for a little bit, understand that it’s not necessarily because they want to get away from you. Grief is a process and it can look like a lot of different things. Being alone can be one of them. Give your loved one space if they need it, and remind them that you’re still there for them, no matter what.
There’s no set time frame for someone who suffered a loss to “move on.” It’s easier for those who are not closely connected to the loss to enjoy the holidays as usual. Remember that it may take a while for your loved one to get used to the fact that they have to go through life without the person they lost. If you know someone who has lost a loved one, there’s no harm in sending them some extra love by text or phone, if you can.
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The Gen Z Corner is a new column with the Ruthless Compassion Institue written by Elaine Genest, which features compelling first-person narratives about mental health through a Gen Z lens. You can follow her blog here
Elaine Genest is a columnist for the Ruthless Compassion Institute based in Toronto, ON. With her bachelor’s in Journalism from Concordia University, she focuses on mental health, personal reflections, and how the two intersect.
