There’s this thing about becoming the person that your younger self needed the most. Whether due to unmet needs as a child, or having to parent yourself as a result of toxic family members, you subconsciously become the person your childhood self needed the most.

In the latest episode of the Ruthless Compassion podcast, Dr. Marcia Sirota interviewed Dr. Sherrie Campbell about having the courage to separate from toxic family members. Dr. Campbell shares her experience dealing with toxic parents and the difficulties of cutting ties with those who are supposed to be there for you.

It made me think about the ways you become the person your childhood self needed the most, as a result of unmet needs.

Parents who do not validate all of your emotions — especially the negative ones, like anger or fear — are not helping you understand these feelings and are unable to console you in the process.

This can result in having to parent yourself, and give yourself the soothing and reassurance you need. Not only that, but you end up doing this for everyone around you. You can even make a career of it. This is how you become the person you needed the most as a child.

This is especially true for people who work in the service industry and in the helping professions. These individuals are often subconsciously trying to compensate for what was missing in their childhood by giving it to others in their adult lives.

Activists who have experienced injustice are compelled to make changes in the world. Therapists who needed someone to lean on as a child may become that for others. Caretakers who were neglected when they were growing up know what it’s like to feel isolated and empathize strongly with their clients today.

While writing this, I realized that I began writing because I often felt like I didn’t have a voice growing up. Authority figures often told me to be quiet and small. It became second nature to hold onto my words and keep them inside. I didn’t get the chance to express myself as I wanted.

Then, I pursued Journalism, where I was able to share other people’s stories. I knew what it felt like to have no voice, and I wanted to be a voice for those who feel voiceless.

To this day, I still have trouble coming up with something to say. I’m actively working on getting out of my comfort zone. Although it’s much easier for me to write than speak, at least with writing, I can finally be myself and share my thoughts and feelings. I became the person I needed the most as a child, in my own way.

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The Gen Z Corner is a new column with the Ruthless Compassion Institue written by Elaine Genest, which features compelling first-person narratives about mental health through a Gen Z lens. Follow her blog here.

Elaine Genest is a columnist for the Ruthless Compassion Institute based in Toronto, ON. With her bachelor’s in Journalism from Concordia University, she focuses on mental health, personal reflections, and how the two intersect.