Jealousy is one of my least favourite feelings, alongside grief and defeat.
I wish I was nonchalant about everything and everyone. I wish that I wouldn’t let jealousy take me over as much as it does. For a long time, I tried to be the cool girlfriend who was fine with my ex-partner hanging around other girls, or the best friend who doesn’t mind that my bestie has more friends, or the chill sister who is okay about getting left out during family reunions. If I didn’t care that much it wouldn’t matter. But I do care. A lot.
When people come into my life, I invest so much time and energy into the relationship that when they inevitably meet someone else, I feel completely betrayed. I end up resenting the person who took my companion away from me.
In that moment of pure jealousy, it feels like a fire forming at the base of my abdomen. It heats up until it gets so out of control that it shoots right out of my eyes, aiming at the person who made me feel that way. After all, they started it, right?
The older I got, the more it felt like I had to compete for people's attention. Jealousy had made a place in every aspect of my life. But this way of living made me feel worse, not better, and I became completely exhausted. I kept wondering, what’s missing in me that they’re finding in someone else?
There’s no real way around jealousy. Ignoring it is like trying to push a beach ball underwater; no matter how hard you try to push it down, it’ll find its way to the surface again.
Although you can expect jealousy to arise on occasion, (which can surely help alleviate any guilt that comes along with it) it’s still a sensation that is so physically present and emotionally potent that it’s nearly impossible to prepare yourself for.
So why not listen to it? Jealousy can say a lot about who we are, what we’re needing, missing, and ultimately, what we need to let go of. This is especially true for toxic relationships; those that are built out of distrust, dishonesty, and disloyalty and which should not have a place in your life.
Being jealous can be a normal response to certain uncontrollable situations. Coach Shannen Bryant talks about how jealousy consumed her life and she coined the term “Jealousy Junkie.” After many years of working to overcome jealousy in her own relationships, she is now one of the few people who specialize in jealousy (a topic that is often ignored but experienced by many). She says jealousy is usually a warning sign, similar to knowing not to touch a hot burner on the stove. You don’t want it to fully go away, but you don’t want it to control your life.
Jealousy arises when you’re afraid of loss. You’re worried that someone or something will be taken away from you. It’s letting you know to hold on tight and do whatever it takes to avoid being broken-hearted. But this belief that you can be in control of all your relationships will ultimately lead you to exhaustion.
When I finally started listening to my jealousy, I was able to start fulfilling my own needs instead of relying solely on others to meet mine. My incessant need to please others and exceed their expectation as a way to control their actions was killing me. It’s not about giving into the jealousy, but rather, understanding that when these warning signs show up, it’s time to take care of yourself, as opposed to trying to control the people around you.
The next time you feel a little flicker of heat forming in the pit of your stomach, ask yourself what’s making you feel this way. Is there something that you’ve been ignoring? You’ll never know what you can discover about yourself until you listen.
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The Gen Z Corner is a new column with the Ruthless Compassion Institue written by Elaine Genest, which features compelling first-person narratives about mental health through a Gen Z lens. You can follow her blog here
Elaine Genest is a columnist for the Ruthless Compassion Institute based in Toronto, ON. With her bachelor’s in Journalism from Concordia University, she focuses on mental health, personal reflections, and how the two intersect.
