Maybe it’s because spring is coming, but lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of dating stories. Sadly, men and women seem to be further apart than ever. Neither side really understands what the other wants, and I’ve even noticed an undercurrent of contempt running in both directions. Instead of looking for a way to come together and enjoy each-other, men and women are often more determined to misuse each-other these days.
It’s not surprising why so many people are frustrated, disappointed and infuriated by their recent adventures in dating, but I think that there might be a way for men and women to find some common ground and have more success in forging meaningful bonds.
Ever since the traditional male-female roles were thrown out, men and women have been trying to figure out how to be around each-other. The advent of feminism, while improving things to some degree for women with regard to social justice, financial independence and career advancement, hasn’t really helped either sex when it comes to dating, because it hasn’t offered an alternate template.
The anger and disillusionment women feel, and the confusion and illusions men are struggling with have created a situation today in which we’re more like adversaries, warily circling each-other, seeking an advantage, rather than sincerely trying to get to know one-another and make a real connection.
Men and women, although equal in intelligence and abilities, nevertheless think differently, want somewhat different things and approach relationships differently. Still, this shouldn’t mean that we can’t find some common ground and a way to be with one-another that’s more satisfying for all concerned.
This is why I propose trying to date according to what I call the “Goldilocks Principle.” It’s based on the fairy tale in which a little girl named Goldilocks explored a house and tasted the porridge that was sitting on the table: one bowl was too hot, one was too cold, and one was just right.
One of the problems with dating today is that too many people mistakenly go right to the “hot,” or intensely intimate phase of the relationship as opposed to taking their time to get to know the other person. This degree of intensity will “burn” the budding relationship in the same way as too hot porridge will burn the mouth and make it impossible to continue eating.
On the other hand, some people start out too cold, going into a dating situation with a chip on their shoulder, being defensive or suspicious. Some are afraid to be vulnerable so they hold back, not allowing themselves to be open to the possibility of genuine affection and compatibility.
Some people are cynical, or carrying resentment from past hurts. Some are fearful of being hurt again or have incorrect expectations and beliefs that they’re applying to their present dating situations, based on unpleasant past experiences.
When people approach dating from a “cold” place, the chill makes it difficult or impossible for the other person to warm up to them. Just like when taking a mouthful of ice-cold porridge, the experience of emotional coldness on the first few dates is a deterrent to continuing.
If men and women would try to be warm with each-other when they meet for the first few dates, they’d have a chance to get to know each-other and to see whether they’re a good fit. Being “warm” means not over-sharing intimate details too soon, as this will be off-putting, but neither being so closed-minded, full of attitude or emotionally unavailable that the other person loses interest.
Dating according to the Goldilocks Principle is about taking your time to discover who the other person is and to show them who you are; it’s gradually finding out what each of you want, enjoy and believe in.
Despite the differences between men and women, being warm when beginning to date someone allows for the possibility of creating an open line of communication and gradually establishing intimacy and trust in order to form a satisfying and lasting relationship.
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