When to Unfriend an Old Friend

Friendship, like many other things in life, often has an expiration date. There are some friends who stay with us for our entire life, but there are also many friends who come into our life and stay there only for a certain amount of time.

Through our lives, we grow and change. Ideally, our friends will grow and change with us. As we mature, we develop different attitudes and different needs. Some things we considered necessities in the past become things we can do without in the present; some behaviors, political views or religious affiliations we could accept in previous times become deal-breakers, today.

As we become stronger, healthier and more conscious, we begin to see all of our relationships much more clearly. We identify the friends whose values we perhaps once shared but who we see today as just too different from us. We realize that some people act in ways which didn’t bother us so much when we were younger, but now these behaviors are becoming intolerable.

Sometimes we simply grow apart as we make life choices which put us in different social or economic circles. Some people choose a more traditional lifestyle while others opt for a bohemian way of life.

If we are middle class and our friend has become wealthy through inheritance, career or marriage, it might complicate our relationship unless both of us are able to handle this potentially tricky situation.

We can also get into conflicts or misunderstandings with an old friend. As we evolve and change, they might hold on to expectations of how we should be. If they’re unable to accept the new, hopefully improved version of us, the friendship can’t be sustained.

I’ve heard of a few instances where one person got married and their friend began acting funny around them. People get used to the friendship being a certain way. If we’ve always been available at the drop of a hat and now a spouse is added to the mix, the friend may not be willing to accept this. If they can’t get over the fact that we’re no longer at their beck and call, it may mean the end of the friendship.

Then there are the so-called “frenemies.” These are people who we thought were our friends when we were younger and less aware. We made excuses for their bad behavior and put up with their unreasonableness because for whatever reason, we cared about them. As we grew older and wiser their jealousy, competitiveness, complaining and attempts at exploitation became tiresome

Their demands for attention, frequent crises and most especially, their betrayals (whether by revealing secrets we’d shared or by undermining our career or romantic relationships) could no longer be explained away as their having had a bad week. Our growing consciousness made it clear to us that this person had to go.

So, whether it’s because we’ve grown apart from one-another, because we no longer share the same values or lifestyle, or because we realize that the friendship isn’t giving us what you need ( and maybe never did), it’s time to un-friend this person. It can be done by simply not responding to calls and e-mails and gently letting the person get the point, or it may require a “break-up” conversation.

It’s upsetting and embarrassing to be rejected, so we owe it to the person to be as kind as possible. On the other hand, we also owe it to ourselves not to get into a major conflict over a relationship that we no longer want. If the person won’t take a gentle hint, or if the break-up conversation results in their becoming demanding or aggressive or trying to make us feel guilty, we can feel perfectly justified in cutting them off completely, with no further explanation.

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