We can have very different attitudes toward ourselves. Some of us think that we’re the absolute best; some of us feel like we can never measure up. Some of us go easy on ourselves; some of us can be exceptionally hard on ourselves.
I want to talk about the people who always feel the need to do better. Sometimes, this is caused by parents who were overly demanding. These parents drove us to constantly improve our performance. They were never satisfied with our grades or our report cards and they made us feel like nothing short of perfection would do.
Some of us, though, have absorbed the perfectionism our parents had for themselves. Perhaps they never said anything about us but we could see that they had overly high expectations of their own performance. We internalized this attitude and it became our own.
Sometimes social media can have a powerful negative effect on how we see ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and feel like we’re always falling short. The more time we spend online, the more of a failure we feel.
Sometimes we have an “inner critic.” It’s a nasty little voice in our head that’s constantly commenting on what we do. This voice judges us harshly and makes us feel incompetent and inadequate.
Whatever the reason for being so self-critical and perfectionist, it creates a lot of unhappiness. Life is hard enough. Beating ourselves up or demanding too much of ourselves only makes it harder.
Self-compassion can really help with this. When we develop an attitude of loving-kindness toward ourselves, we can accept ourselves with all our imperfections. We can gain some perspective and recognize that being “perfect” is irrelevant.
Self-compassion is an attitude of self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, understanding and self-love. When we develop self-compassion we see that we’re okay, just as we are.
This doesn’t mean that we stop trying to improve; just that we needn’t wait until we’re “doing better” to feel good about ourselves. We can love and accept ourselves right now.
Perfectionism is a trap because there is no “perfect.” We can waste all our time and energy trying to achieve the impossible. We can be happy and live our best life without approaching anything close to perfection.
Self-criticism makes us miserable and perfection, aside from being impossible, is totally unnecessary. We need to recognize these truths and start letting go of our bad habits right away. With self-compassion, it’s a lot easier to do so.
Self-acceptance enables us to acknowledge our successes and appreciate our positive attributes. This will help build our confidence and self-esteem.
Self-acceptance also enables us to recognize our shortcomings without feeling bad about ourselves. We can be motivated to improve out of the desire to do better, not out of any feelings of inadequacy.
Understanding ourselves will help us to put things in perspective. We can see that our life experiences inform our choices for better or for worse. Understanding where we come from makes it easier to be gentle with ourselves.
Self-love helps to silence the inner critic. When it tells us that we’re not “good enough,” we can recognize that this is a lie and reject the idea. We are good enough, right now, and we’re only going to get better.
Self-forgiveness enables us to stop beating ourselves over our failures or mistakes. Instead, we can choose to learn from them and this will empower us to improve.
Self-compassion isn’t the same as complacency. The latter is laziness whereas the former is a gentle attitude toward the self. With self-compassion, we can be ambitious and highly motivated to succeed, but without any negative self-talk.
Self-compassion isn’t the same as selfishness. Being kind to ourselves has nothing to do with being unkind to others. In fact, when we have self-compassion, it makes us happier and more inclined to be loving toward others.
Self-compassion isn’t the same as being lenient with ourselves. It’s not a “get out of jail free” card, like in the Monopoly game. With self-compassion, when we mess up, we’re accountable for our actions.
With self-compassion, we take responsibility for ourselves and try to learn from our mistakes. In fact, with self-compassion it’s easier to learn and grow, because self-awareness isn’t associated with harsh self-criticism.
Self-compassion isn’t the same as being self-centered. When we’re kind to ourselves, we can stop obsessing about how well we’re doing. We have more space to think about others and to be there for them.
So, self-compassion not only helps us let go of perfectionism and self-criticism but it supports us in being our best and it makes us more loving toward others. Self-compassion is truly a win-win.
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