Your Abuser Will Never Change, So Stop Trying to Change Them

Sometimes, a person inadvertently gets involved with an abuser. If this is you, you might not realize it at first, especially if they’re the type of abuser who’s initially very charming, charismatic, attractive and super-attentive.

Initially, you might think that you’ve won the relationship lottery, so when the inevitable red flags start waving in your face, you’re more likely to ignore them.

You tell yourself that the unkind, unreasonable, controlling and critical behaviors are just momentary lapses, until they become more and more common and begin to outweigh any moments of kindness or reasonable behavior.

Little by little, the person transforms from an apparently ideal mate into a nightmare partner. You start to feel overwhelmed by all the negativity coming at you.

And this is where many people make a crucial mistake. They do this by relying more on hope than facing what’s right in front of their eyes.

This is how it goes: when your partner shows you their true, ugly colors, you tell yourself that the original version of the person is the real one; not this nasty, hyper-critical jerk that you’re currently involved with. And you convince yourself that you can get your partner to become the ideal mate again, just by making them happy.

So, instead of saying, “F you, I’m outa here,” you try to convince your now-abusive partner that you’re not as bad as they’re saying you are. You try to retrieve the nice, reasonable, earlier version of your partner by “proving” to them that you’re worthy of their love.

But here’s the thing. If they’re this hyper-critical and unreasonable it’s your partner who isn’t worthy of your love.

Anyone who constantly complains about you, frustrates you, aggravates you and/or scares you is not deserving of your time, energy or affection. Anyone who can’t love and accept you exactly as you are and treat you with kindness, consideration and respect is not the type of person you want to associate with.

And here’s the other thing. Anyone who is this critical of you isn’t actually criticizing you because you have faults. Everyone has faults, including the person who’s criticizing you; especially the person who’s criticizing you. Your partner is putting you down in the mistaken belief that this will make them feel better about themselves.

But putting other people down will do nothing to boost their own self-worth. The things that will boost a person’s self-worth are 1: self-love; and 2: kindness to others.

When you have self-love and when your heart is open and loving toward others, you feel good about yourself. Putting other people down will only turn you into a bitter, miserable person.

So why do some people continually put others down? It’s because their brains are like the brain of an addict. They’re convinced that the wrong thing – in their case, cruelty to others – will heal their inner wounds and boost their self-esteem. It doesn’t work, but just like any addict, they’re convinced that it’s not working because they’re not doing it enough.

They redouble their efforts and ratchet up the criticisms, certain that more of the wrong thing will somehow turn into the right thing. Of course it won’t, anymore that more heroin; more vodka, more binge eating or more gambling will finally make someone feel better about themselves and their life.

On your end, you’re trying to convince this hyper-critical person who doesn’t actually deserve you that you’re not as bad as they keep saying you are. You’re trying to “prove” to them that you’re not as stupid, ugly, or useless as they keep saying.

But if someone keeps saying that you’re stupid, ugly and useless, it proves that they’re the one with the problem.

With this nasty, upsetting behavior, your partner is showing you how hurtful they really are. Their actions are telling you that they’ll never, ever be satisfied with who you are or with anything you do (and for that matter, they’re incapable of seeing anyone else as acceptable, either). Their actions are showing you that staying with them is a set-up for a lifetime of misery.

The truth is that someone who needs to put you down to build themselves up will never accept any “proof” that you’re not as bad as they say. They need to see you as stupid and useless so that they can feel superior, by contrast. They’ll never accept your defenses against their verbal attacks because they believe that putting you down is the only way that they can feel better about themselves.

It’s futile to try and prove to a hyper-critical person that you’re not as bad as they say. They’re showing you, with their behavior, that they’re the one with the problem. They’re hurtful, really hurtful, and they’ll never change.

Your hurtful partner will never revert back to the seemingly nice person you first met. That’s because this nice version was the fake version – the bait they set to trap you. Once you were caught, they showed you their true self, and face it, it’s ugly. Stop telling yourself that they’re not so bad. They are.

The only choice in this scenario is to get away from this partner and never look back. Instead of trying to convince someone that you’re not that bad, it makes a lot more sense to end things now and find someone who can love you and accept you exactly the way you are.

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