People who encountered boundary violations during their childhood struggle with establishing and maintaining good boundaries in their adult lives. When boundaries were crossed, through the experience or witnessing of either emotional, physical or sexual abuse, it becomes very confusing as to where normal boundaries should be set, and what to expect from others around these boundaries.
There are two ways that a child can experience boundary violations: one is when their own boundaries have been crossed, and the other is upon witnessing other people’s boundaries being broken or disrespected. A child can be shouted at, beaten or molested, and all of these experiences violate their boundaries because they damage the child’s emotional, physical or spiritual integrity.
There are more subtle ways for boundaries to be broken, however: when an adult makes a child their confidante and shares with them inappropriate details of their emotional, interpersonal or sexual experiences, it imposes unwanted information onto the child. The child isn’t in a position to refuse to listen; they are being filled with ideas and images against their will and before they are able to make sense of such information. This violates their boundaries and destroys their innocence.
When an adult ogles a child’s body in a sexual way, this is also a boundary violation. To be looked at with sexual longing or intention is confusing and frightening for a child and they have no idea how to respond. Also, the experience of a lustful gaze violates the sanctity of their personal space. The child begins to feel that their body isn’t their own, but rather a commodity available for public consumption.
The witnessing of boundary violations is also traumatizing to the young psyche. When a child sees a parent, sibling, relative or classmate being yelled at, beaten or sexually abused they feel horrified, frightened and powerless. They generalize this experience to a sense of their own vulnerability and come to believe that no-one’s boundaries are safe.
Having experienced one or more boundary violations, the growing child is unsure as to what a real boundary is and how to establish their own. Ideally, it would be to have a sense of personal privacy and personal space; understanding that their body is their own property and that intimate personal information is not to be shared with strangers or other inappropriate individuals.
The experiencing or witnessing of sexual boundary violations makes it confusing as to where boundaries should be placed in the area of sexuality. People with this type of experience tend to reveal details about their sexual history too soon to prospective partners and tend to become sexual at a too-early stage in the relationship.
A confounding factor is that boundary violations during childhood are often accompanied by promises of love and attention. The child is molested and told that they are in a “special relationship” with the perpetrator; the child is beaten and then the remorseful abuser gives the child a new toy. As an adult, the person comes to associate this sort of abuse with normal affection.
More confusion arises when the child witnesses boundary violations. They feel powerless as they observe the abuse but are unable to help the victim, and this feeling remains with them into adulthood. Even if they try to help they inevitably fail, and as a result they develop what’s called “learned helplessness.” They become convinced that nothing they could do would make a difference, so they might as well not try.
In cases where a child attempted to defend their boundaries and was punished for it, refusal to comply becomes associated in adulthood with personal danger. The adult wouldn’t dare stand up for themselves; so convinced are they that it would be worse for them if they did.
So, what are you to do if people walked all over your boundaries when you were growing up? The first thing is to recognize that you have a right to your privacy and personal space. You are entitled to make your own choices about who gets to touch you, and when and how; you’re free to decide what you share about yourself and with whom, and when. You also have a choice about what you let another person share with you. If you feel uncomfortable about what you’re hearing, you can stop listening.
Knowing that your boundaries are yours to protect, you can begin making different choices as an adult. You can see that you don’t need to reveal intimate details about yourself to people until and unless you know them and trust them well. You don’t need to engage in any type of intimate activity with anyone until you have established that they respect you and that you feel safe and comfortable with them.
Understanding your rights around your boundaries means that you take your time getting to know people and making sure that there is a reason and a context for any type of communication or contact that is more than just casual. You also see that there is no justification for any sort of disrespect and that real love is never associated with your having to tolerate hurtfulness or abuse.
Broken boundaries can be healed. It takes time, and it can be somewhat painful; if only because it means facing the fact that your boundaries were violated in the first place. It can also be quite upsetting to realize that you’ve been neglecting your boundaries as an adult. It’s important to understand your reasons and to forgive yourself for this.
If you haven’t been able to set good boundaries in your life, it’s not your fault. It’s because of what you experienced while growing up. Being compassionate toward yourself around your not-so-good boundaries will go a long way in helping you to heal them, and this will allow you to feel safer and more empowered in your adult life.
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