We live in a society that favors extremes. In terms of how we relate to one-another, we’re often either too nice or too nasty. People often are trying too hard to please or are self-centered and insensitive toward others.
Interestingly, these ways of being are just two sides of the same coin: they both arise out of the child part of the psyche that feels deprived of love and nurturing.
People who are eager-to-please are hoping that others will give them the love they never received when they were little; those who are selfish are reacting in hurt and anger against the neglect (and possibly abuse) they experienced in childhood.
Neither group got what they needed, in childhood, but they’ve split off into two factions: one that uses niceness as a compensatory mechanism and one that uses selfishness. Sadly, both these extremes fail to give the person what they want in life.
The pleaser often gets taken advantage of. Their eagerness to help is met with disrespect, even contempt. The selfish person might get more of what they think they want, in that they might be successful at manipulating others to do their bidding, but none of it compensates for what’s missing inside them and they’re left feeling as angry and empty as ever.
The answer to this problem of extremes is to find a happy medium in our interactions with others – to be neither too nice nor too mean. The best way I know how to do this is through the use of Ruthless Compassion.
Ruthless Compassion is a way of living that brings together empowerment and loving-kindness. Whereas the nice person is operating from a place of low self-worth and tends to be a pushover, and the selfish person is operating from a place of hostility and frustration, someone who practices Ruthless Compassion is strong without being insensitive and confident without being arrogant.
Ruthless Compassion enables us to be loving and giving without being taken advantage of. We can be kind and generous but have good boundaries and set good limits with others.
When we practice Ruthless Compassion in our relationships, we’re being our best self.
Ruthless Compassion is a stance in which we take responsibility for our own hurts and needs and don’t expect others to take care of us. We’re autonomous and self-sufficient, so our relationships are entered into from free choice rather than desperate need. We see other people not as sources of emotional healing or nurturing but as interesting individuals whom we want to get to know better and share our hearts with.
The too-nice person is overly interested in what other people feel and what they need, and the selfish person is completely disinterested in this. When we practice Ruthless Compassion, we find the happy medium between self-interest and sensitivity toward others. We can take care of ourselves without being hurtful to others, and we can be kind and caring without abandoning ourselves.
With Ruthless Compassion we can be both kind and strong – not tolerating disrespect nor trying too hard to be loved. With Ruthless Compassion we aren’t constantly seeking approval or taking the emotional temperature of those around us in an attempt to ascertain whether we’re in their good graces at any given moment.
With Ruthless Compassion, we can open our hearts to others and have genuine, meaningful connections, something which the self-centered person is incapable of benefiting from. The self-centered person may be able to exploit others but they can never feel the joy of genuine and reciprocal caring.
Ruthless Compassion is a way to be deeply connected to other people while remaining independent. It enables us to be loving yet autonomous, gentle but powerful. It empowers us to pursue our goals independently of the judgments of others and to live as our best selves.
The practice of Ruthless Compassion will provide us with far greater freedom and happiness in our relationships than either of the two above-mentioned extremes.
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