Anxious About Holiday Invitations? Here’s How to Say “No” With Confidence

When the holiday season meets the second wave of Covid-19:

Canadian Thanksgiving is just around the corner and American Thanksgiving isn’t that far off, either. It’s unfortunate that just as the holiday season is upon us, the pandemic has entered a second wave. Just as we were starting to relax and the restrictions were easing off, it looks like they’re going to be tightening up again.

Some people are taking the public health guidelines very seriously and others appear to be ignoring them. This makes it awkward when you’re negotiating your personal relationships.

If you’re worried about catching Covid or concerned about possibly spreading it to a vulnerable loved one, the holiday season brings along even greater complications.

What do you do if a close friend or a family member invites you over for a holiday dinner? If you’re worried that someone at the gathering might be infected but asymptomatic and that people will be leaving the party infected with Covid, that’s a valid fear. So, how do you say “no” to this invitation and how do you say it in a way that doesn’t make you feel overly uncomfortable?

People-pleasers struggle with saying “no” at the best of times:

For those who tend to be people-pleasers, saying “no” to anyone, anytime, is super-difficult. People-pleasers worry that if they fail to give someone what they want this person will get upset or angry and might even reject them.

Some people-pleasers are so deeply invested in not offending anyone that they’d rather take a chance with their own health or the health of their loved ones than say “no” to a holiday invitation.

If the people-pleaser or someone they live with has pre-existing conditions that put them at higher risk of becoming seriously ill with Covid, then saying “yes” to the invitation is clearly the wrong choice.

So how do you refuse a holiday invitation if you’re concerned about the rising number of Covid cases and you don’t feel comfortable socializing beyond your small bubble?

Five tips for saying “no” with confidence:

I: Remember, your feelings and needs matter: You should know that you’re entitled to prioritize your own needs and those of your immediate family. No matter how insistent a friend or family member is that you attend their gathering this year, you have the right to do what works best for you and those close to you.

People-pleasers tend to put everyone else’s needs and feelings ahead of their own so each people-pleaser needs to understand that their well-being is important and that they should never jeopardize their health in order to avoid conflict.

2: Love has nothing to do with putting you in harm’s way: You should know that being a loving friend or family member should never involve doing anything that hurts you.

People who truly love you and care about you would never want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or puts you at risk. If they’re pushing you to come when you tell them “no”, they’re the one who’s not behaving in a loving manner.

3: There’s a right way and a wrong way to say “no.” The wrong way to say no is to be unclear or wishy-washy. The other person can’t tell if you’re saying a real “no” or a “maybe.” The right way to say “no” is to do it clearly and simply and without a lot of justifications or explanations thrown in.

For example, if someone invites you (or you and your family) for a holiday gathering, the best way to refuse the invitation would be to say, “Sorry but I’m (we’re) not comfortable coming, with the numbers where they are right now.”

If the person asks you to explain or justify why you’re not coming, or if they tell you that Covid is a hoax, or that they’re all healthy so your fears aren’t justified, or that you’re over-reacting to the pandemic, you can simply repeat to them, “I’m sorry, but I’m (we’re) just not comfortable coming and I hope you can respect my (our) decision.”

4: Pushy people are being unfair to you: If the other person keeps pushing and especially if they become critical toward you, please know that you did nothing wrong and that this person is being disrespectful because they aren’t taking “no” for an answer.

If the person giving the invitation makes you feel bad for saying “no,” this person is being unreasonable. They’re entitled to have their own opinions but they have no right to dictate how you feel, what you want, or how you choose to behave with regard to the pandemic.

5: People-pleasing can be life-threatening: It’s one thing to exhaust yourself by trying to make everyone around you happy but it’s another thing altogether to jeopardize your life – and the life of the people you live with – during a pandemic, in order to avoid upsetting a loved one who’s invited you to a party.

During a global pandemic, people-pleasing can be an incredibly high-risk habit that you should work on breaking ASAP.

As the holiday season progresses, there will be many more opportunities to practice saying “no” to social events. Refusing social invitations is not the most fun thing to do but the risk of attending these larger gatherings is just too high for the reward.

There will be plenty more holiday get-togethers in the future but getting sick with Covid right now could be catastrophic.

Lately, in Ontario, we’re seeing that many people who’ve become infected with Covid had recently attended large social gatherings. With the numbers of infected doubling and tripling these days, the risk is that much higher of contracting Covid at such an event.

Because of the ever-growing risk to yourself and your loved ones, saying “no” to a holiday get-together might be the smartest health decision you make this year.

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones.

Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.