The holidays can be a joyful time but they can also be a stressful time. There’s a lot more contact with friends and family and with that, it can be easy to slip into unconscious patterns of behaviour. Feeling emotionally stressed out during the holidays is expected. A 2021 survey concluded that 53% of Canadians are feeling more stressed during the holidays as the cost of living continues to rise.

It’s not uncommon to regress into our old, childlike habits when surrounded by our family of origin, but when we do, we can find ourselves not enjoying the season so much.

One particularly counterproductive habit is people-pleasing. We learn to do it with our family of origin so it’s understandable that we’d slide back into it at family gatherings.

People-pleasing always backfires

I define people-pleasing as always putting the other person first and neglecting our own needs and feelings. The intent is to gain approval and acceptance. The problem with this approach is that it leads inevitably to frustration and irritation.

In my book, Be Kind, Not Nice, I differentiate two different ways to express compassion to other people.

Being nice is only considering others and abandoning ourselves in the process, while being kind is being thoughtful and loving but never at our own expense.

We can be kind over the holidays and enjoy spending time with our loved ones, without forgetting about our own feelings and needs.

Take responsibility for your own self-worth during the holidays

People-pleasing quickly breeds resentment and exhaustion because it’s not authentic. No-one is happy when they ignore themselves while doing so much for others.

And the love and approval we’re seeking by all this pleasing behaviour? We should understand that anyone who loves us does so regardless of whether or not we constantly please them.

And we should also understand that anyone who doesn’t love us won’t change their mind if we try to curry favour with them. They’ll just take advantage of our attempts to please.

Be yourself

So as the holiday season approaches, we can relax and remember that all we have to do is show up and be our regular selves.

We don’t have to work so hard to try and make everyone around us happy. We can enjoy our time together secure in the knowledge that the only way to be loved is by being our authentic, imperfect selves.

Happy holidays everyone!

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