This is an update of last year’s blog. Enjoy!

As the holiday season approaches, some people are looking forward to spending time with their family members but others, not so much. We can have good relationships with our family members or difficult ones.

One particularly challenging family dynamic is the rivalry that can occur between siblings. There can be a lot of envy, competitiveness, oneupmanship or even back-stabbing among the siblings. This can be especially evident over the holidays when family members spend more time together.

Our siblings can be our best friends; there to support us in everything we do. Our siblings can also be the opposite, resenting us and doing their best to put us down or undermine our happiness and success. As the holiday season approaches, we can start stressing out as we anticipate having to deal yet again with our jealous or show-offy siblings.

What is it that makes siblings become rivals? What turns sweet little kids into cut-throat competitors in adult life? It’s all about supply and demand.

All children have fundamental needs for care and validation. When their needs are met, they grow up confident and secure; when their needs aren’t met, they grow up longing for what they didn’t get.

Families are closed systems so in a child’s simplistic view of things, if they’re not getting enough attention, one or more of the other kids must be taking their share. The child who feels emotionally deprived can become resentful toward their siblings if they imagine that these kids got more love and attention than they did.

It’s very hard for a child to think of their parent as having insufficient love or care to give. It’s less painful to believe that their siblings are getting their share of the parental attention.

As kids, these feelings of envy get expressed as sibling rivalry in which the children vie for the largest portion of food or the biggest allowance; as adults these feelings get expressed in the form of trying to one-up their siblings or even sabotage their efforts to succeed.

Even when the parents are out of the picture, the siblings can often continue the competition in a different form. In adulthood, it’s about who’s more successful, who’s most wealthy or who’s more renowned. Sometimes, the siblings will try to hijack the entire inheritance; sometimes they’ll actively try to prevent their brother or sister from succeeding.

Years ago, I had a patient, let’s call him John, who grew up in a very dysfunctional family where there was very little love or care. As adults, one of John’s siblings actively tried to sabotage John’s career chances and another sibling went into the parental home after the final parent passed away and removed a valuable antique to keep for themselves.

Another of my patients, let’s call her Lisa, grew up with considerable parental neglect. Lisa had a sibling, lets call her Amy, who manipulated this parent to rewrite the will to exclude Lisa. Amy didn’t need the money from the inheritance; she just didn’t want Lisa to get any. These are the lengths that adults will go to when they see their siblings as competitors as opposed to best friends.

Perhaps you have one or more difficult siblings. Perhaps you’re not looking forward to the festivities as much as you’d hope to. As the holidays approach and you anticipate them with dread, know that you’re not alone.

Sibling rivalry in adulthood is a sad but common response to a family background in which there wasn’t enough love or care to go around.

You can try talking to your difficult sibling(s) in the hope of establishing a more respectful and less adversarial relationship but old wounds run deep and they may not be able to see you as anything other than a rival, even long after both parents are gone. If that’s the case, you may need to sit at opposite sides of the family table this year, and perhaps for years to come.

Remember, it’s not necessarily your fault if your sibling is hostile or competitive toward you. If you’ve searched your soul and you can’t see where you could have gone wrong, stop blaming yourself and try to take care of yourself. This will make it easier to tolerate it when your sibling is snarky with you during the holidays.

If you’ve been the jealous, competitive kid, it’s time to stop blaming your siblings. Take advantage of the holidays as a time to make amends and seek forgiveness. Reach out to your siblings, apologize sincerely and perhaps in the spirit of the season, they’ll be able to put all the unpleasantness behind them.

If not, know that you’ve done your best and don’t beat yourself up. Just keep your distance from your siblings at the family gatherings so that there are fewer opportunities for conflict over the holidays.

The holidays are an interesting time, as they’re so charged with every type of emotion. Knowing how to deal with sibling rivalry might make it a bit easier for you to enjoy the festivities this year.

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