How to Become Assertive – Marcia Sirota

The other day someone I know, let’s call her Sarah, told me a story about how, for the first time in her life, she stood up for herself but that it didn’t go quite the way she expected.

Someone she knew was trying to coerce her into doing something she didn’t want to do, but rather than giving in as she’s always done, Sarah found it in herself to say, “No!”

The other person, not being used to hearing a “No” coming out of Sarah’s mouth, pushed harder, thinking that they could bully Sarah into doing what they wanted. Instead, Sarah, in her own words, “lost it,” and started shouting until the other person finally backed off.

Sarah had always been a people-pleaser, trying to win approval by going along with what everyone else wanted. She realized, though, that being so accommodating didn’t make people like her; it made them disrespect her, and she’d had enough.

The problem was that Sarah had no practice in being assertive. She had no experience modulating her responses, so her first attempt at assertiveness came out too strong.

Many people-pleasers spend their lives being agreeable and yielding. If they start standing up for themselves, it’s like learning to walk, all over again. They wobble and lurch around, until they find their balance.

Some “nice” people aren’t firm enough when they first try to assert themselves. Their old fears of rejection keep them from fully owning their power. Unfortunately, this causes people not to take them seriously, which makes the former people-pleaser that much more frustrated and likely to lash out, the next time they need to stand up for themselves.

Many formerly “nice” people go overboard when they first start setting limits with others. This can be due to the resentment they’ve built up over the years, so that when they finally speak out, they blow. It can also happen because they don’t trust that people will listen to them unless their “No” is shouted at the top of their lungs.

Sometimes a former people-pleaser is aggressive, when they start setting limits. This happens when they’re leaking held-in anger or when they’re trying to intimidate the other person into doing what they want, even if what they want is for the other person to stop pushing them around.

The irony is that often, the aggressive person is operating out of fear, like an animal that goes to bite when it feels cornered.

The assertive person, on the other hand, operates out of confidence and self-trust. They can set their limits firmly and quietly, knowing that they don’t have to resort to intimidation techniques.

For someone who’s been pushed around all their life, all they know is how to bully or be bullied. The only model of limit-setting they’ve observed is this type of crude power-dynamics, and they’ve never had a chance to learn about working things out respectfully. It’s not surprising that aggressiveness is what they resort to when they want to feel empowered.

What they need to see is that they can be empowered in a different way; one in which they can embody quiet strength and confidence.

Learning to be assertive means learning to trust that you can take care of yourself when someone is trying to impose their agenda on you. It means believing that you can express yourself clearly and succinctly, and that you can deal appropriately with people who refuse to respect your boundaries.

The more confident you are in yourself, the more likely it is that the other person will listen to you, because when you speak softly but with conviction it indicates self-confidence and strength. This makes people pay attention and they’re more likely to respect your wishes.

Having the tools for expressing yourself is essential, if you want to get your needs met. You need some basic vocabulary for setting a limit or expressing a need.

It’s important to make “I” statements, such as “I’m not comfortable with this;” “I don’t want this;” “I’m not happy about this,” or “I’m not OK with this.”

You can make “You” statements, and they should be something like, “Your behaviour is unacceptable;” “What you’re doing is not working for me,” or “I’m not OK with what you’re doing, right now.”

You can also make what I call “neutral” statements, for example, “This is unacceptable;” “This has to stop, now,” or “This isn’t working for me.”

Knowing how to phrase things empowers you to communicate your needs most effectively, and minimizes the chances of your being misunderstood. Of course, you can’t control the other person, and it’s up to them if they’re going to be receptive or resistant to your needs.

If you’ve spent a lot of time in your life going along with what other people wanted, they came to expect this of you, so now it’s up to you to change their expectations.

You have to show them that you’re not going to do this anymore. If you simply stay firm and consistent with your boundaries, they’ll soon start taking you seriously. And if they won’t, you’re free to walk away.

Of course, you should never confront someone if you’re afraid of them. If someone makes you fear for your safety, you should get away from them as soon as you can and stay away. Confrontation should only ever be done verbally, and the risks should only ever be emotional.

Also, you shouldn’t have to get into an argument with someone every time you try to set a limit or ask for what you want. You deserve to be with people who are receptive to your wishes. If the person you’re with is unreasonable, you should feel free to look for someone who’s easier to be with.

Assertiveness is a skill, and it includes knowing when and with whom to discuss your needs and set your limits. Be as clear as you can be about what you will and won’t accept; set your limits with confidence and conviction; never put yourself in harm’s way, and don’t waste your time with people who’ve shown you that they’re unwilling to negotiate in good faith.

I’m sure that Sarah plans on learning these skills and learning them well, because something tells me that she’s never going back to being a doormat, not ever again.

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