Two steps forward…

International Women’s Day reminds me of the many strides that women have made and underscores the struggles that we still face. One persisting problem is how women’s voices, opinions and desires are still being discounted and dismissed. It’s still so hard for some men to take a woman seriously.

I think that this isn’t just about men; it’s also a problem in the minds of women. Many of us won’t own our power for fear of angering or upsetting the men around us. For some of us, this is a necessity, as we’re caught in situations in which it would be dangerous to speak up. But for many of us, it’s not our circumstances holding us back; it’s internal. We’re afraid to speak our truth because it might offend some men.

It seems to me that too many women who’d otherwise be in a position to speak their mind instead choose to remain silent or say only a tiny fragment of what they’re thinking. They fear that the men around them might not like it if they’re assertive or opinionated.

Many of us are well aware of how some men are threatened by a strong, confident woman who has a mind of her own. They find it intimidating and off-putting. And many of these men attempt, in subtle and not-so subtle ways, to silence us. It’s more comfortable for them if we aren’t heard and these cowardly men aren’t challenged in any way.

Fearful women collude with cowardly men

Unfortunately, too many women collude with these attempts to gag us. These women don’t dare do anything that might upset a man. They worry that if they own their power and demand to be heard and seen, they’ll miss out on opportunities. They fear that no man will marry them, hire them or allow them to keep their job. They fear that they’ll be viewed as the worst possible thing: a woman who isn’t pleasing to men.

In this era of feminism, in which women are demanding to be seen and treated as equals, too many of us still believe that we must be pleasing to men. This applies to how we look, dress, wear our hair, hold our bodies, and especially, in how we speak. We’re convinced that we must never say or do anything that would offend, intimidate or one-up any men.

For too many of us, our self worth, status and even our identity are powerfully bound up in how the men in our lives might see us. We’re terrified that if we’re too loud, too aggressive, too dominant; too insistent on being heard and acknowledged that no man will want to have anything to do with us.

We aren’t giving men enough credit

And this is our major error. It’s how we fail to give men credit. We assume that all men are incapable of tolerating our power or appreciating what we have to say. This is far from the truth.

While there are plenty of men who tremble in their shoes at the thought of an empowered woman, more and more men today are delighting in our strength and invested in what we have to say.

When we assume that all men are intimidated by and intolerant of strong, outspoken women, we fail to acknowledge all the men out there who understand that when women own their power and their voice, it’s a win-win.

When women are empowered, everyone wins

Many recent articles and studies demonstrate the importance of women’s role in democracy. We’re seeing how innovation is driven by a diversity of voices, including those of women. Everyone flourishes when women’s voices are heard.

In intimate relationships, too many men are afraid that a strong, outspoken woman will overpower or control them. This is not the fault of the women. Parents everywhere must start raising their sons to see that empowered women aren’t interested in taking anything away from them. They must also raise their daughters to stop fearing the disapproving male gaze.

Adult men must start to re-educate themselves, to see that they’ll be more fulfilled and happy in a relationship of equals. Much of the dissatisfaction in modern heterosexual relationships might be coming from women holding themselves back and their partner overtly or subtly making it known that they prefer things this way.

The myth of the silent, supportive spouse

When a man lives with a woman who’s only showing him a fraction of herself; when her fascinating mind, passionate heart and brilliant opinions are withheld out of the fear of upsetting him, he could grow bored and disconnect from her.

His partner might be quietly seething with resentment that he gets to be the one with all the ideas, creativity and drive. She’s silencing herself to please him but is more and more frustrated. The couple is colluding to create harmony but the result is dissatisfaction; possibly divorce.

In the boardroom, women silence themselves, anticipating that the men in positions of authority would fear that an articulate, informed woman would show them up. Their business suffers terribly if this woman is the one with the vision for solving the company’s problems and driving it toward success. When everyone colludes to silence women at work, the workplace is impoverished.

Transcending our attachment to the male gaze

On International Women’s Day, we women need to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of men. We must acknowledge our own value and status regardless of how men might see us. We must recognize our intrinsic worth and stop fearing that we might not be being pleasing to men.

Sure, some old dinosaurs will balk when we speak up, and some will keep trying to silence us, but there are many places where our voices are welcomed and we can choose to go there, or we can create new spaces where everyone’s voice can be heard. We must stop believing that the male gaze validates us and that the male frown negates us.

In our intimate relationships, we must see that we’ve been underestimating our partners. We must recognize that no-one benefits when we make ourselves small for fear that our man will feel “less than.” And we must understand that if our romantic partner refuses to listen or to share, then there are other men who’ll embrace us in all our power and our passion.

It’s time for the gags to come off. It’s time for us to speak up. People are listening.

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