The Dark Side of Being the Favorite Child

In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I work with grew up with real discrepancies in the way they and their siblings were treated by their parents.

You won’t be surprised to know that the people I see in therapy tend to be those who were the least favored and most neglected or mistreated by their parents, while their siblings were the most favored; even spoiled, receiving the lion’s share of parental attention.

This might lead you to think that the people I work with are more unhappy than their favored siblings but in fact, the opposite is true.

I’ve consistently observed that those who were the lowest on the totem pole of parental favor do considerably better in terms of life satisfaction than those who grew up at the top.

Paradoxically, those who were the least favored have less anger toward their parents than the favored children; they have less inner turmoil and confusion and are less hostile and competitive toward their adult siblings.

Those who were the least favored have a much firmer grasp on what took place during their childhood. They’re more able to acknowledge the difficulties they’re currently facing and deal with them in therapy. As a result, they have a better chance at healing from the wounds of their past.

While individuals from both groups may struggle with low self-esteem and self-defeating behaviors, the least favored child is always ahead of the game when it comes to self-awareness and openness to change.

It seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? From everything we know about childhood attention vs. neglect, we’d expect that those receiving the lion’s share of attention during childhood would have a better chance at happiness and success than those who were neglected, rejected or worse.

There’s a simple and logical explanation for this, which goes back to the parents.

Ask yourself this question: What kind of parents are capable of showing such demonstrable favoritism, in which one or more children are favored and one or more are neglected, rejected, or worse?

And there’s the root of your answer. Only parents who aren’t capable of loving any of their children can play favorites in this way with some of their children.

Truly loving parents love all their children. They might feel a stronger affinity or connection with one or more of their children but they go out of their way to treat all their children equally. They’d never want to hurt any of their children by overtly favoring one over the other.

Truly loving parents would never do anything to make one child feel less loved than another and would bend over backwards to avoid setting up a competition between their children for parental affection. In a home in which the parents truly love their children, all the children feel equally loved and cared for.

In a home in which obvious favoritism occurs, none of the children are receiving love. Parents who are capable of treating one child so differently from another aren’t actually able to love any of their children. The children who they favor are no more loved than those who they reject.

These parents are narcissists, or they’re disturbed in some way. They project agreeable qualities into some of their children and disagreeable qualities into others. This has nothing to do, of course, with any real attributes on the part of the children. Still, these parents favor the children whom they see as “preferable” and neglect or reject those whom they see as “lacking” or “undesirable” in some way.

The unfavored children feel unloved and uncared for, but they’re clear about how their parents see them. They accept the reality of their lower status in the family. They aren’t happy about it, but there’s no confusion about where they stand.

On the other hand, the favored children grow up with a lot of confusion and ambivalence toward their parents. They recognize that they’re receiving attention and favors but not surprisingly, they feel emotionally frustrated and unfulfilled.

Some of these children fear that the problem must lie in the fact that their siblings are stealing from them; they suspect that their siblings are managing to appropriate a major portion of the love and care that they, themselves, are due.

These favored children don’t realize that the reason they feel so empty, despite all the attention they’re receiving, is that they’re being fed empty calories, so to speak. All this attention can’t be fulfilling if it isn’t associated with real, nourishing love.

The favored child can become very angry at his parents, wondering if perhaps they only pretended to care about him while secretly giving his siblings all the real gifts; he can deeply resent his siblings and be vindictive toward them and fiercely competitive for the tiniest morsels of parental attention.

While the unfavored child grows up feeling no strong attachment to her parents and finds it relatively easy to separate from them as an adult, the favored child often holds on tightly to his parents, in the unconscious hope that they’ll finally meet his needs.

As an adult, the once-favored child can be extremely ingratiating with his older parents while also deeply resenting them, as he struggles in vain to obtain the ultimate pay-off of real parental love. His behavior toward his parents can be an odd-seeming mix of emotional abuse and care-taking that verges on coddling.

While the unfavored child understands that there never was and never will be love coming from her folks, the favored child lives in hope that he’ll finally receive the love that was promised in the attention he received while growing up.

It’s a hope that can’t be fulfilled, but due to his confusion – the favored child wants to believe that he was, indeed, loved while growing up- he’s unable to face the truth about his parent’s limitations and let go of his fruitless quest.

His denial about the past will also make it impossible for him to heal the emotional wounds caused by having only ever received “pseudo-love” from his folks, as opposed to the real thing.

The unfavored child may lack self-worth and struggle with various difficulties, but it’s much easier for her to see the truth about her past and as a result, heal from it. She might start out a few steps behind her more cocky sibling, but she’s at a distinct advantage.

The unfavored child grows into an adult who’s often more open to therapy, and as a result, is able to build real self-esteem. She can see her parents for who they are, recognize that the neglect she experienced was never about her, and learn to give herself the love, respect and care she never received.

The favored child is at a great disadvantage. He clings to his folks in the false hope of a love that will never come, as his folks don’t have it within them to give. He’s alienated from the siblings who could be a real source of love and support to him today and he’s angry and frustrated all the time, but doesn’t understand why.

Because he can’t let go of trying to obtain love from his parents, the once-favored child can never face the truth about his past and will never have the chance to heal through therapy.

So, although it’s terrible to grow up as the unfavored child, and this role in the family is a certain ticket to years of therapy ahead, it’s far worse to be the favorite child. Being the favorite of parents who are unable to love- I wouldn’t wish this false blessing on anyone.

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