It’s amazing how we choose to ignore reality in the pursuit of love. Paradoxically, the so-called “reality” shows on TV today demonstrate this trend to the greatest degree. Whether as participants or viewers, we all seem to be caught up in the illusion that it’s possible to find true love on TV.
Take the current Bachelorette, Ashley. The last rose has been handed out and she’s now happily engaged, or is she? Ostensibly, she came on the show to find the man of her dreams. Or maybe she’s just dreaming.
She knows the score. She’s aware that the success rate of the relationships begun on these shows is dismally low. The fact that she accepted JP’s proposal doesn’t change anything. I won’t be surprised when the news of their break-up is added to the long list of post-Bachelorette casualties.
This season, as in previous ones, the Bachelorette got hung up on a nasty opportunist who made it clear he had no feelings for her. It was painful to watch as he trash-talked her. Sadly, she held on to her fantasy until the guy made it impossible for her to continue.
Ashley’s bad taste in men isn’t the reason she won’t find love, though. Love isn’t possible on the Bachelorette because the entire premise of the show is wrong-headed. If we break it down, we can see that there are four main factors making love an unrealistic goal on the Bachelorette.
First of all, there’s the producers’ agenda. The same people who chose the potential mates for the Bachelorette are the ones whose main priority is the best possible ratings. Although I’m sure they’d like to see a proposal on the final show, it’s far more important to them to have juicy drama, intrigue and conflict. If the engagement doesn’t last past the final show, no matter. Tabloid articles about the break-up are better publicity than those about a wedding being planned.
The producers aren’t choosing men they think the Bachelorette will click with as much as trying to create a volatile mix of personalities in the hope of creating, not so much a love connection as some compelling conflict. The producers treat the people on the show as though they were characters in a fictional story whom they can manipulate into exciting action sequences.
The next problematic factor is why would any of these young, attractive successful women want to go through this exercise on TV? Sure, Ashley is given a choice selection of hunky guys, but they’re guys who at best are OK with wooing her on TV, and at worst are seeking public exposure as opposed to looking for love.
So, what’s in it for the Bachelorette? Aside from the slim possibility of meeting her soul-mate among the young men chosen for her by producers with their own agenda, she has the the much more realistic opportunity of becoming famous. If she wants celebrity, the show can certainly pave the way, but the pursuit of fame is incompatible with the search for true love.
The third factor making love impossible to find on the Bachelorette is the psychology of the men. The young men chosen to be the potential future husband of this young woman certainly are all good-looking, many are intelligent, successful; some even are kind and caring. Perhaps some of them really are hoping to find love.
These are all, on the surface at least, desirable guys. Guys who could find a date. So why would they put themselves in a position to vie against two dozen others for the attention of one woman? Why would they risk the 24:1 odds of being rejected? And why, if they’re sincere about wanting love, would they do it all on national TV? My guess is that their desire for publicity far outweighs their wish for love.
What brings two people together has less to do with obvious outward characteristics and more to do with unconscious needs, beliefs and expectations. There are subtle biological factors at play, with the man’s scent, body type, and ability to remind our Bachelorette of important people from her early life all being crucial factors (whether she realizes it or not) in her choice of partner. It’s what’s known as “chemistry,” and what accounts for her rejecting some seemingly lovely men.
Attraction is a bit of a mystery, and the qualities that the Bachelorette is seeking in a mate can’t be known to the TV producers, even if they actually care about her finding love. There’s no particular reason why her soul-mate would just happen to be within the chosen group of 25 albeit delightful, young men.
In fact, some of the qualities the producers are looking for, in order to keep viewers watching – a tendency to create drama or conflict; the capacity for deceit; the trait of unpredictability and a knack for causing upsets – are exactly the opposite of what would be conducive to the Bachelorette finding love.
More than all of the above, however, is the final factor that makes the show problematic: it’s the problem with numbers and time. One woman is matched with multiple men and then she gets to choose, by a process of elimination, whom she’ll finally end up with. Making the pursuit of love hinge upon picking men off one by one in a very short period of time is simply unworkable.
The Bachelorette has no time at all to get to know any of these men, yet she has to eliminate several of them each week. Who knows if she’s rejecting the one man that’s right for her because she hasn’t had the time to get to know him. It’s paradoxical, because in superficial infatuation the attraction is immediate and intense. Real love often gradually develops into something wonderful over time, but the Bachelorette doesn’t have this luxury of time.
She does get to experience luxury dates, some in the most beautiful places in the world, but she has no real chance of getting to know the men in a normal, gradual way. Her ability to choose is distorted, not just because she’s on TV, but because the show is set up so that infatuation will always trump genuine affection.
For the man, it’s all too easy to become infatuated with the Bachelorette when he’s put in the position of associating this luxury and excitement with her true nature, where the outward glamor of the environment appears to be a reflection of her inner qualities.
The group dates demonstrate more about male dynamics than represent the true character and compatibility potential of these men. More than trying to connect with her, they’re competing for her attention. They’re probably less interested in getting to know her than driven to win the prize.
The competitive scenario undermines the possibility of a real connection, as the emphasis is on Ashley as something to be won as opposed to someone to get to know. The men revert to a primal state of the dominant male who must one-up his competition. They become so intent on being chosen by the Bachelorette that they can easily lose sight of what they’re actually being chosen for.
As the only female on the show and the prize to be won, the Bachelorette quickly becomes an idealized figure. Otherwise reasonable young men soon find themselves deeply infatuated with her. They may even think that they’re in love. Circumstances have conspired to transform this ordinary woman into an object of desire. She becomes a creature of fantasy but like every fantasy, the illusion can’t be sustained. Real life returns and the goddess is seen to have feet of clay.
At first, the men look upon her with awe, speaking about her in hushed tones, using superlatives like “awesome,” and “incredible,” but this is in the imaginary world created by the show. The forced isolation creates a kind of microcosm where, for a time, the small group becomes the entire universe. Once out in the real world, the harsh light of reality changes everything.
While the manufactured situation drives the men to desire the Bachelorette, she, on the other hand, is driven to compare each man with the others, while never getting a real chance to know any of them as an individual. The show sets her up to doubt each man’s sincerity, wondering if he’s “here for the right reasons” or likely to reject her once she chooses him. At the same time, she’s also set up to fall for one or more of these men, because being idealized and desired by a group of hot guys is an unbelievable aphrodisiac.
As each week goes by and fewer and fewer men remain, the pressure rises. The competition heats up as the men find themselves that much closer to achieving their goal, and the Bachelorette is that much more concerned with “making the right choice.” With fewer men present, one would think that this would give the couples more time to finally get to know one-another, but the producers have a different plan.
As the end approaches, the dating is ever more fast and furious. The Bachelorette tries desperately to weigh the pros and cons of each guy, as though she were buying a new car. The men up their games, trying to impress the Bachelorette as she anguishes over who she should choose, and who might actually care for her. Of course, it’s impossible to have genuine feelings, let alone clarity, under these circumstances.
Finding a life partner is nothing like buying a new car. You don’t decide, “OK, I need a husband,” and then let some strangers with ulterior motives pick out 25 nice-looking models for you, which you then must quickly test drive, and eliminate one by one. What if the right car for you isn’t there?
The hapless Bachelorette starts out standing on the lot created by the show’s producers, surrounded by all these shiny new cars. She’s kicking the tires, revving the engines, and hoping not to drive off with a lemon. (Take note that Bachelor Jason quickly traded in his gently-used model, Melissa, for Molly, the car on the lot he’d passed up for the one he’d bought. Talk about buyer’s remorse!)
There could be many potential mates out there for Ashley, great guys who’d never dream of looking for love on TV, and whom she’ll never get to meet. By being part of the show, she puts her fate in the hands of people whose singular motive is profit. She’d have been better off hiring an old-fashioned match-maker. At least they’d take her genuine needs into consideration.
To date, there’s been exactly one lasting relationship coming out of the many seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette. I consider it the exception that proves the rule. The likelihood of finding one’s soul mate on reality TV is so small that statistically, it can be considered zero.
No matter whom the Bachelorette chooses, once they re-enter the real world, the relationship is more than likely doomed. Outside of the false microcosm of the TV show, where Ashley is the idealized woman and JP is the alpha male who’s just won the big prize, they’ll be revealed to each-other as two young people who have little in common and who know even less about one-another.
Their entire “relationship” during the show consists of a string of rushed, manufactured moments. It’s virtually impossible to extract genuine intimacy out of something built on the flimsy foundation of illusion and gamesmanship.
Whether they started the process as sincere searchers for true love or cynical opportunists, this most recent Bachelorette and her guy will more than likely part ways before too long. If it turns out that they’ve chosen to parlay their 15 minutes of fame into a career in reality TV, then it’s obvious what their underlying motivations were, all along.
Sign up here for my free biweekly wellness newsletter that brings you fresh, thought-provoking content.
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel to watch my series Moving into Autumn with Good Self-Care, where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones this fall season.
Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.
