Lately, I’ve been exploring how we can respond to comments and questions that seem unreasonable, distasteful or that appear to be based on false assumptions.
People tend to tell us things or ask questions based on their own experiences and biases. These remarks might seem perfectly reasonable and benign to them but they can be upsetting to those of us on the receiving end.
Going to the Meta-level
My approach to dealing with these types of remarks is to avoid defending, justifying, or explaining ourselves and instead, go to the meta-level.
What does this mean? The word, “meta” means “above,” so going to the meta-level means talking about the comments as opposed to responding directly to them.
For example, if you’re having a discussion with someone about the way you’re dealing with your toxic family of origin and they make an unwanted comment based on their own assumptions about how all families are “supposed” to function, you don’t have to try and defend your position.
Ask them questions and listen to their explanations
You can, instead, ask them a question like, “what makes you see it this way?” Or, “how did you come to that idea?”
Then, it’s up to them to explain their assumption/belief as opposed to you needing to justify your choices.
When you go to the meta-level, you avoid agreeing with something that you’re fundamentally opposed to. You also avoid getting into an argument with the other person over your differences of opinion.
This way of operating also helps to build understanding between the two of you because if you ask your question politely and not aggressively, it gives the other person a chance to reconsider their assumptions/beliefs and perhaps clarify to themselves (and to you) why they see things this way.
You also get to clarify your own position
And you also get a chance to talk about how you arrived at your thoughts on the matter so that they can see where you’re coming from.
You may agree to disagree on a given subject but this type of discourse will help you both to appreciate that everyone is entitled to their own ideas and opinions.
An ideal way to handle unreasonable or offensive remarks
Going to the meta-level avoids conflict, builds understanding, and prevents us from going along with things that we disagree with, just to keep the peace.
In my opinion, it’s an ideal way to handle remarks that we might find challenging, incorrect, unreasonable, or even offensive.
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