103 - (Part 1) Abby Medcalf-Simple Tips For Creating Superior Relationships, Both Personally and Professionally.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe

Ruthless Compassion is a podcast about people who've turned their emotional shit into fertilizer for success. It's about seeing our darkest moments and opportunities for growth and transformation. Abby Medcalf is a relationship Maven, psychologist, author, podcast host, and TEDx speaker who has helped thousands of people think differently so they can create connection, ease and joy in their relationships, especially the one with themselves. With her unique background in both business and counseling, she brings a fresh, effective perspective to life's struggles using humor and her direct, no nonsense style. With over 30 years of experience, Abby is a recognized authority and sought after speaker at organizations such as Google, Apple, AT&T, Kaiser, PG and E, American Airlines and Chevron. She's been a featured expert on CBS and ABC News and has been a contributor to Huffington Post, Women's Health and Bustle. She's the author of the number one Amazon bestselling book, Be Happily Married Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing. And she's the host of the top rated Relationships Made Easy podcast. Her new book and program, Negative Thinking Sucks and Not In a Good Way, will be out soon. Welcome Abby Medcalf to the Ruthless Compassion podcast.

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Well, I'm very excited to have you because I think we're going to have quite a fun conversation. But I always like to start with having my guests introduce themselves and talk about who they are, what they do, and how they got there.

Oh, yeah. Well, I call myself a relationship Maven. I'm really all about relationships. It's been my jam. It's what I love. It's my whole thing, and obviously how to be happy in them. And I started off my life. I got into counseling, as most people do, because of my own screwed up background. And I'm a recovering heroin addict. And I started in my world in drug rehabs and hospitals and all that kind of stuff. And then I started to really want to have a bigger impact. So I moved into business and I got an MBA and my PhD and all that good stuff. And so I do have this really interesting, I guess, unique background in both business and counseling. And the way I approach things is a bit different than kind of traditional folks in my field. And so that's kind of how I got here. And then a few years ago, I started really focusing on I was working with executives who had drug and alcohol problems. And as you might imagine, you have a drug and alcohol problem, you're probably not happy at home. And I started to give them tools to help them in their home life.

And I never met their partners, but they consistently came back saying, my relationships are so much better. I'm better with my kids, I'm happy with my partner, my spouse. And I started to realize I was onto something. You could really change relationships without necessarily the other person doing anything. That's actually the name of my book is Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing. And it came out of that work. And then I really started shifting back to working mostly with people who want to improve their relationships, be that a couple or individual.

You know, it's so funny you said that because I was a psychotherapist. Well, I still do it a little bit, but I was a full time psychotherapist for a couple of decades. And actually more than that, even when I went back.

Maybe even longer.

I got my street cred. But I remember a lot of patients over the years saying that, wow, I've been hearing feedback from my partner that I just seemed really different and that they're so much happier with me and they're so much happier in the relationship. And I kept noticing that when my patients were evolving, their relationships were improving. And one super healthy person in a relationship can often not always because there are some people that no matter what, they just won't, they can't. But very often the relationships really improved. I want to cycle back a little because you said something quite like I kind of felt my job was dropping. You said you are a recovered heroin addict. And I don't talk to a lot of recovering heroin addicts who are speakers at organizations like Google and AT&T. So I just wanted to cycle back. And whatever you're comfortable sharing, I would really like to hear a little bit more about your journey around what happened when you got into it, how you got out of it, just that's something like a big deal, right?

It's been a minute because I'm older. But yes, it took up a lot of my life. I started doing drugs at nine. I was shooting up by twelve. I was hiding it from everyone. I was a very functional heroin addict. I managed to go to an Ivy League school after and all the things, but I really didn't give up on myself. So I was in multiple rehabs. And for whatever reason, I had a lot of resilience and grit in there and a lot of optimism. And I just sort of kept going. Although my relationships, of course, craziness crazy, horrible mess. But I came through that on the other side. I did lots of things to try to find my way. I still go to twelve step meetings and I did Life Spring. I did est with Werner Erhard back in the day. I did Anthony Robbins. I walked on hot coals. I moved to Israel. There wasn't anything I didn't try to improve my life and get to the next place. So that's sort of how that happened.

You got to the next place.

Yes, solely. But surely I'm still trying. But yeah, still working on it.

Well, we're all work in progress, aren't we?

Yes.

So you brought up this book Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing. So how did you end up writing that book?

Yeah, well, it really came from I do my work a little differently than a lot of people. I give follow up, I give homework to clients. I always say that coming to see me is great, but it's like if you want to get physically fit and you saw a trainer once a week and you did nothing else in between, it's going to take you really long time to get fit. And so it's really about for me that other work that people do. And so I would give this work at the time executives and have now since been doing it with all kinds of people, tens of thousands at this point. And what I kept finding again is that number one idea that the relationship can't change because my partner won't change. That idea is one of the things that really gets into people's way, obviously. And the number one thing is that the person in the most pain needs to change first. I mean, that's just how it is. And so whether that's fair or not, you can say, but that's what has to happen...

Because that's the one who's going to be motivated, right? I mean, that's just it. The other person is not motivated. They would be sitting in my office. So that's the first thing to know. And then the second piece, which is really great, I read a book many years ago by Timothy Wilson, Strangers to Ourselves, about the adaptive unconscious. It's become more popular now because Malcolm Gladwell loves Timothy Wilson's research. But I've been just on his stuff for years and he talks about through his work, they found that our conscious brains so we're processing about 11 million pieces or bits of information a second through our brains, 11 million. And they did that through their studies with receptors and seeing what happens in the brain, but only 40 bits of that are conscious. So your conscious brain is processing information at a rate of 40 bits per second, while your subconscious or unconscious brain is processing information at a rate of almost 11 million bits per second. So people don't hear what you say, they hear what you mean. So when people would come into my office a lot, they would give them a great tool, right? Okay, go do this. Go set intention with your partner, do this thing.

And when they leave the office, they're excited and motivated. Okay. I'm going to do this thing. It's going to be great. And then by the time they get home, the doubts are sinking in. We've had this problem for a long time. It's going to take a lot to change it. It's going to be so painful. I can't change unless my partner does. And what happens is then the person would sort of use the tool or say the thing or be kinder or more appreciative or whatever that was. But their partner is picking up on that 11 million bits that doubt, that worry, that concern. And people do this unconsciously, they don't realize it. So now the partner is going, yeah, they're acting nice now, but I wonder how long that's going to last. They feel the wobble, they feel the disconnect, the incongruence, and so they don't change. So then my client is using this great tool and they're trying and nothing is changing in the relationship. And they come back and then they stop. Well, nothing is changing. So I'm going to stop doing this. And then, of course, that's a self fulfilling prophecy for everybody.

And then the partner's like, see, good thing I didn't change because I knew they weren't going to change. And they come back and tell me the tool didn't work. And I was like, no, you have to align these things. Your partner is picking up on this incongruity, on this wobble, on this place where unconsciously you're thinking one thing and consciously saying another thing, and you have to align those things. You really have to hone in on that. And that's really the work that I've been doing with clients for a long time through this kind of homework process where I give them things to work on so that they can start to align those things. And then what happens is sort of what you just described earlier. I'm not waiting for my partner to change so that I can act nicer. My self concept is that I'm a person who is loving. I'm a person who's appreciative. I'm a person who's kind and that doesn't depend on my situation. It doesn't depend on how other people are treating me. This is just who I am. And of course, as that starts to take hold and it's not conditional anymore, right?

Because the other way is conditional. I'm waiting for you to do something. I'm only going to do this until you do it. And when it stops being conditional is when number one, people start to just feel better in life.

It just feels better.

It feels better to walk around in appreciation than in resentment. And so now I'm happier. Like you were describing before, I feel better in my world. And sure enough, our partners, our family, our coworkers, they pick up on that energy in a good way, much in the same way that if sometimes everyone's had this experience where they're talking to someone and the person is saying all the right things, but they can tell they're sort of full of it. They can tell it's not real. That's your 11 million bits picking up on what's really going on with this person. And sometimes people call it a hunch or their intuition or whatever, but it's actually brain science. And so when you really do this thing, when you really just go all in and stop being so afraid, a whole different thing takes hold. Not just because of this is like positive thinking or something like that. But really because of how our brains adapt and how they treat other people and what they're really seeing. So that's kind of where the whole thing came from. And again, having these great results when people got that piece.

Yeah, it's really interesting because I talk a lot about healthy communication. And I always say that if you communicate well, then you can trust that if the other person doesn't hear it, it's not because you didn't communicate appropriately. It's because they just aren't capable of hearing it. But if you communicate appropriately, your chances of the other person responding positively obviously, is going to be much better. There's no guarantee because you can't control the other person. But if you take responsibility for your part, you increase the likelihood of getting a good result.

It's really true. And I will say a big piece that I've learned over the years about why communication often fails is because really what happens a lot in a relationship, and it's very common is the real problem is that there's a competition. There's a keeping score. And couples do this all the time. It's your turn to put away the dishes. I took Jack to piano lessons on Mondays. So it's your turn to take Sophie to baseball on Thursday. You spent money on this. So I get to spend money on this. We do this tip for tat thing all the time. And this taking turns and this keeping score, watching what they do, comparing it to what we do. And what happens, of course, is that, again, that 11 million bits is getting picked up. That subconscious of like, we have a pie here and I'm splitting this pie up all the time. And if you get more, I get less. So I don't want that. And there's this competition in couples, especially couples, I'd say with children, but certainly couples without also. And when that's there, of course, communication fails, because I don't really believe you have my best interest at heart.

I believe somewhere that we're keeping score in all this. And so that means we're on opposite teams. And what I teach people all the time is that a couple is a shared resource. If your partner is drained, guess what? The resource of the couple is drained. And couples have this thing where they're often looking at the other one to pull their weight and to do their fair share. And we often like, we come home, there's something to do. We immediately look to our partner, if I can't do it, then you need to do it. But our partners are also exhausted. We're exhausted. They're exhausted. Your partner can't take anything off your plate because it's the same plate. You're moving around the mashed potatoes, and all you're doing is creating more problems. And again, communication keeps failing because everyone is feeling at their limit. Everyone is feeling overwhelmed. And so when people don't realize that they're doing it. That's problem number one. But once you do realize that it's going on and it really is so ubiquitous, like, it's everywhere. It's just so much a part of the fabric. It's what we're taught growing up, 50 50, my better half.

We hear all this stuff our whole lives. So it really becomes really the culture of being married or in a relationship. So once you realize you're using that language and once you realize you're doing that subtly or not subtly, it's all about realizing and really going all in on you guys being the same team. So I had a couple the other day who they are getting married, and he has a lot of debt that he's bringing into the marriage. And she's like, well, that's your debt. You got to take care of that. You got to do something with that. And I was like, Are you kidding? No, that's a we problem. Now you're coming into the marriage, you're saying, I want to spend my life with you, but your money is like, what are you saying? Whatever that is. And it's such a fantasy to think it could be separate anyway. What does that even mean? Because the money is a very physical thing that's all coming together, even if you have separate bank accounts. So it's impacting you either way. So addressing it as a couple is really important. And if your partner is stressed about this money, guess what?

You're going to be stressed about this money. There's going to be less bandwidth within the couple to deal with things, but it applies really to everything, even things that aren't quite so physical. I had another couple not that long ago, and the husband got a promotion that he'd been really wanting. He was going to be in Europe a lot, though, because with this big promotion, he was really excited about it and he shared it. And her first response was, well, great, now I'll just be stuck at home taking care of the kids, and I get why she went there. She's seeing like, oh, he's leaving, I have more work now. And that obviously, again, it's this competition. It's this way that we're looking at the framework of the relationship. To me all wrong. And so I said in that session and I said, in all of them, you have to think of two things when something happens in the relationship. And that is that because it's the same plate, right? So if you're going to be more stressed now, if your partner has gone more, then it's not about, oh, I'm just going to be more stressed now.

It's about, well, we either have to take something off our collective plate, the one plate, we have to take something off. So there's less to do. So I'm not going to be so strained, or we have to add resources from outside the couple. Don't always look to your partner to fill in the gap. Look outside. So maybe you have a cleaning person. And if your partner is going to be gone on a business trip for a long time, think of having a cleaning person come more that week. Think of maybe little Johnny doesn't go to piano practice that week. Think of asking a neighbor to carpool your kids. I mean, there's a million things you could do that don't mean, oh, I just have more to do. And now I'm resentful. There are so many ways to approach it.

As you were talking, I was thinking the one thing that this woman's initial attitude lacked was seeing themselves as a team, because I always feel like if you're putting two heads together, that expression, two heads are better than one. So if you're putting two heads together and you're working as a team, instead of saying, you always, you never, I need, I want, I can't. What about me? If you're saying, how can we together sort out this issue, then there's goodwill, there's a sense of bonding, there's a problem solving that they're doing together, which builds connection. And then there's the capacity to solve the problem. So the team mindset enables them to solve all these problems that arise without putting blame and shame and guilt and accusation into the mix.

Exactly. And it really takes your attention off of that scarcity mindset. I always say you can't have a love relationship based on fear, and it's fear to think, oh, there's not enough and we don't have enough. There's not enough money, there's not enough time. And then if you get something I don't get, there is no way to have intimacy trust. You break down the trust, and that's why communication breaks down. I think what happens a lot for couples is they go to therapy or something and they learn a communication tool. But you got to take care of the foundation of the house first. And without the trust, I can give you the best communication tools in the world. I got a million of them. But if there's no trust, it's not going to work. And so I feel bad. I have a lot of couples who come, who have tried therapy many times and think that kind of they're failing. And I don't know if it's always true. I think the real cancer that's eating at the relationship is not being addressed. And once you address that, then we can add all these wonderful communication tools.

Then we can talk about the other things. But yeah, what you're saying is right on. It's a we thing. It's a team. We are a shared resource. And anytime I'm drained, my partner is drained and vice versa. So I'm always looking to shore up that resource, that combined resource, even how you ask a question to someone, well, what can we do now as opposed to what can you do now even like that? That slight small shift is pretty big. And I also tell people in this as you're trying to kind of do this, we stuff. You look at your resources, right? Adding or subtracting, taking things off the plate or adding resources from outside the couple. Don't always look to your partner. And then I also always say, you don't want to sack the relationship. SAC. You don't want to offer suggestions, give advice or criticize. And we tend to do a lot of suggesting in relationships. I had someone else the other day. She's struggling with her weight and it's affecting their sex life. And he, of course, doesn't like that. And he thinks she looks great, which was very sweet, really nice. He's frustrated.

He just wants her to lose it. So she feels better because he's fine with having sex no matter what. But he was giving her lots of suggestions. Well, have you parked your car farther away when you grocery shop and have all these suggestions? And of course, that's not it. She feels criticized. She already knows anyway. She knows all the things to do to lose weight. This isn't the problem. And so when we offer those things, we're really not connecting. We're not creating that emotional intimacy or that closeness. So that's where I said to him, how could you do this right now? Only asking questions and took them a few tries. But he was really able to say, tell me more about it. Can you tell me more about what's happening for you at home that it feels so hard to eat? Well, can you tell me one thing I could do that you'd feel really supported by? Like, what's? One thing I could do that you'd go, wow, he really has my back. Is there anything I could say right now that would really help, you know how much I feel attracted to you or love you?

Those kinds of questions, you can hear them. They just create so much fodder for great conversation, so much intimacy, so much emotional closeness, as opposed to when you give these suggestions or give advice, most people know what to do. They don't do what they know. So as you're trying to communicate with whoever it is and trying to really figure out what's next, how to get from point A to point B, to just use that simple thing of not facting when you talk to someone, it's hard to do, by the way, especially with teenagers. I'll tell you that right now and really ask the questions that are collaborative, that are open ended to really help people kind of get to know them, really understand your partner and how they think and how they feel.

I was thinking about a patient of mine who was visiting with one of her children and her children's partner. And the partner had been home all day painting the house. My patient and the kid came home, the adult child came home. And then the first thing out of the adult child's mouth towards the partner when the partner walked out to greet and was why are you wearing those filthy clothes? You're going to get it all over everything, right? And of course my patient who was well, therapized by this time looked at her kid in horror and thought, oh my goodness you're sounding just like your father first of all and second of all you are doing the deal breaker behavior you're going to screw up your marriage so my patient had actually a very long talk with me about how she could talk to her kids about this behavior because it was so distressing and I said one of the things you can do is just to say when you behave like this it's very upsetting to me so I can't be around you when you speak to your partner like that because I feel really bad for you because you're blowing up your marriage and I feel really bad for your partner because it's very hurtful to them so I'm not going to be around you I'm going to get up and I'm going to leave when you talk to your partner that way and she said I can do that and she's been using it and the behavior stopped very quickly.

She just talked about what she was going to do how she was going to take care of herself because I love that she couldn't be around that. That was the delightful Dr. Abby Medcalf and I'm Dr. Marcia Sirota if you like this podcast please review it wherever you listen and you can sign up for my free bi weekly wellness newsletter at marciaserotamd.com where you'll also learn about my online courses and my YouTube video series.