In the wake of the college admissions scandal, I’ve been thinking about the role of money in raising kids. Those wealthy parents who threw millions of dollars at a corrupt “consultant” to ensure their kids’ admission into elite colleges may have been trying to do the best for their kids but I believe that they failed them. I believe that throwing money at all our kids’ problems results in spoiled kids who lack self-worth, confidence and essential life skills.

Obviously, having enough money can make a real difference in being able to provide our kids with the necessities in life, such as food, shelter and a good education, but if we rely too much on solving problems with an infusion of cash, we risk neglecting the most important aspects of good parenting.

Good-enough parents raise confident kids.

The best parents raise children who are confident, secure and self-motivated. These kids grow up learning the value of hard work and they develop resilience and grit. As young adults they’re capable of learning from their mistakes and making good choices. They’re able to form meaningful attachments and engage in fulfilling work.

We raise confident, competent kids by allowing them to solve their own problems. Obviously, we should intervene when the problems are too great for a kid to handle but for the most part, we must take a step back and give our kids the opportunity to see how bright, creative, resourceful and effective they actually are.

We create a sense of security in our kids by being affirming and supportive but also by allowing them to have their independence. When we show our kids that we trust their judgment and their abilities, they feel connected to us while at the same time becoming autonomous and self-directed.

Good parents allow their kids to succeed on their own merit.

When we support our kids in facing their own challenges, we empower them to withstand the ups and downs of adult life and to thrive, not crumble in the face of adversity. In this way they see that they can survive mistakes, disappointments and even failure. They can develop resilience – or the ability to bounce back from difficulties. They can learn grit, or the ability to persevere, even when the going is rough.

When we allow our kids to make some of their own decisions and to live with the consequences of these decisions, they discover first-hand how to make better choices as adults. When we love them and support them but resist coddling or spoiling them, they’re able to leave the nest armed with a strong sense of confidence and self-worth.

We want to show our kids all the love and support we have in our hearts, but there are many pitfalls on the road to growing a healthy, happy, successful young adult. When we throw money at our kids’ problems, we deprive them of the opportunity to learn important life lessons. Spoiled kids can develop an unhealthy sense of over-entitlement as well as a nagging sense of self-doubt.

Spoiling our kids can ruin their character.

Kids who have everything bought and paid for often have trouble appreciating the value of a dollar. They can become lazy, spoiled, selfish and hedonistic. Warren Buffet was fully aware of this risk when he insisted that his children work for a living and he didn’t give them huge hand-outs when they were younger. He intended to raise kids with good values, good life skills and good character.

Some parents think that throwing around money is the best way to help their kids succeed in life, but they don’t realize the unintended consequences of this type of parenting. For example, when we buy our kids’ entry into college, we’re telling them, in effect, that we don’t believe they can succeed on their own merit. And if we’ve been spoiling and coddling them for the 18 years preceding their entry into college, they very well might not be able to make it on their own.

Parents who throw money at their kids’ problems can be equated with neglectful parents. Instead of talking to their kids, encouraging them and and brainstorming solutions with them, these parents take the easy route and make the problem go away with the application of large amounts of cash. The kids don’t get to bond with their parents in sorting out an issue together and they lose another opportunity to gain skills and confidence.

Throwing money at our kids’ problems is tantamount to neglect.

Rich parents can mistake throwing money at their kids for actually parenting them but kids need a lot more than nice things and an easy path. They need a secure but not overly-enmeshed attachment; they need to be taught integrity, empathy, good judgment and self-control and they need strong guidance and limit-setting so that they grow up with realistic expectations of themselves, other people and the world. Parents who substitute money for actual parenting end up neglecting their kids.

A friend of mine went to a growth hacking workshop offered by some highly successful individuals the other day. The take-away message was simple: the secret to meaningful and lasting success is hard work and perseverance. When we put in a concerted effort and don’t give up, no matter what, we’ll be well on our way to success.

If parents throw money at every problem their kids face, or if they try to replace their kid’s hard work and skills-building with their own purchasing power, the kids will never develop good work habits. They’ll expect everything to come easily to them and they won’t recognize the need for perseverance. This is doing the kids no favors at all.

Hard-working kids are at an advantage over spoiled, rich kids.

The parents who’ve been paying bribes to get their kids into prestigious colleges and universities may not realize that once the kids have been accepted, there will still be lots of work to do. It’s one thing to get into college; it’s another thing to be successful in a competitive, Ivy League environment, especially if the other kids are there because they’ve worked for the privilege. It’s obvious that the kids who got in through merit have a huge advantage over those who got in through bribery.

Kids learn to believe in themselves by accomplishing things, by setting and achieving goals and by solving complex problems. Without these opportunities to build self-confidence and self-worth, they’re at a distinct disadvantage compared to kids who’ve worked hard to get ahead.

It’s like a the difference between a couch potato and a kid who exercises and is physically fit. The latter kid will be ready for all the physical challenges they might face; the former kid will not. If the kids of wealthy parents never face any challenges in their lives their minds will be flabby, their confidence will be shaky and their characters will be weak.

Spoiled kids are psychologically flabby, like couch potatoes who never exercise.

Perhaps the parents who bribed people to get their kids into college also expected to bribe their kids’ teachers for good marks. Or perhaps they planned to pay other students to take their kids’ exams or write their papers? Once we start paying for these types of things, when does it stop? and if this is the case, the reality is that these kids will graduate from college with nothing to show for it other than a slight dip in their parents’ bank account.

The world is only getting more challenging. Young people need all the coping skills they can get in order to succeed in today’s ultra-competitive marketplace. The more that parents spoil their children, the worse off the kids will be. The more that the parents throw money at their kids’ problems, the less likely it is that these kids will be prepared for life once they hit adulthood.

It’s great if parents have enough money to put their kids into excellent schools, but they should know that plenty of successful people came out of the public and state school system. It’s great for parents to hire tutors and coaches for their kids, but they always need remember the importance of striking a balance between helping their kids and doing too much for them.

There’s no substitute for good parenting.

One problem with being extremely wealthy is the misconception that everything important can and should be bought and paid for. The temptation for some wealthy parents to throw money at their kids’ problems is great, but they might want to stop and consider beforehand what the long-term effects of this will be.

There’s no substitute for good parenting and there’s no amount of money that can compensate for neglectful or overly-indulgent parenting.

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